


Take as Needed for Pain

by wizardinblack



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:18:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardinblack/pseuds/wizardinblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Levi wanted was a quick fix, but instead he found Erwin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please be warned that this fic will contain detailed descriptions of drug use. If that makes you uncomfortable, please do not read it.

Levi hadn’t been in a car accident, not really, actually in reality he didn’t even own car. Who owned a car in the city anyway? But that was beside the point. Those finer details mattered little, because regardless he was still in the hospital, sitting in an outpatient room, and talking to a doctor.

“He rear ended me,” Levi told him, avoiding making eye contact by craning his neck to rub at it, and faking a cringe. “My neck and back have been killing me ever since.”

He just wanted a quick fix, and he hoped his act would be enough to get this guy to give him something. Usually, the younger doctors could be uptight and self-righteous, and refuse to give out any kind of decent pain meds, while older doctors just wanted to get rid of you, and didn’t really care. They had been taught during a different age, and the abuse of things like pain medication wasn’t as major of a concern. This guy seemed to be somewhere in between, maybe in his 40s at most, but that was still young for a doctor. Levi wasn’t sure how pliant he would be. All he could do was make sure he didn’t look too closely at his eyes, no doubt in his mind that his pupils were still impossibly tiny dots from the dope he had injected into his arm earlier, a tell tale sign of opiate abuse that any doctor would be able to pick out a mile away, and definitely not a trait you wanted while asking for more pain meds.

“So,” the doctor started. Levi eyed his nametag, just to have somewhere other than his face to look. Dr. Erwin Smith. What a boring name. “This happened yesterday?”

“Yeah,” Levi answered, feeling a little impatient. He forced himself not to show his exasperation. Of course this guy was going to bombard him with questions.

“But you have no police report or anything?” Dr. Erwin Smith gazed at him from across the small room. Levi would have thought he seemed suspicious, but he showed no expression on his face, instead just looking at Levi seriously, arms crossed, and waiting patiently. Levi kept his eyes on his chest, which was broad, puffed up naturally from the muscles hidden underneath the blue scrubs and white coat.

“I didn’t get any information.” Levi was already prepared with an answer. “It was a hit and run.”

The doctor raised his eyebrows and rubbed the bridge of his noise, not in an impatient manner, but more subconsciously. Levi took the opportunity to properly look at him, since his eyes were downcast and there was no way he’d be able to make eye contact with him. He was good looking, with neatly combed blonde hair, strong features, with high cheekbones and a sharp jaw. The only thing that really revealed his age were the slight wrinkles around his blue eyes. Levi looked down quickly as the man lifted his head back up, his eyes falling onto his neck, mechanically eyeing the curve of his throat, just to keep himself occupied.

“Even so, you should report it to the police. Often, your insurance can still cover at least some of the damage.”

“I don’t have insurance.” Levi said back without missing a beat. It was true, he didn’t. He didn’t have a car to begin with in order to even have car insurance, but other than that he also didn’t have life insurance. He was lucky enough to have an apartment to live in.

This time Dr. Smith did show some expression on his face. He looked slightly surprised. “You’re planning on paying for your visit here today out of pocket?”

Levi shrugged. “I have no other choice. That’s how much pain I’m in.”

He tried to sound sincere. And he was, sort of. He was in pain. Or at least, he was about to be in pain, and he could feel his anxieties already creeping up on him, getting him prepared for what may come upon him if he couldn’t get this guy to dish out some drugs. Normally, he would never do this. This was a case of extreme desperateness. This morning had been an extreme case of desperateness. Usually, he wouldn’t even do dope, but this morning he had no choice.

Levi was a fan of dilaudid, a drug that was commonly injected (at least if you wanted to get the best out of it,) but extremely hard to get. It was an opiate like heroin, but actually stronger, cleaner, which was why Levi liked it. You couldn’t trust the shit you got on the street, never knowing what it was mixed with or what kind of journey it had been through before it had traveled it’s way into your hand, through a needle, up your arm, and into your bloodstream.

Most people would call Levi crazy, not just because he partook in interventions drugs, but also because he was unusually neurotic about it. Most people that were as dependant on such a substance as Levi was didn’t care where it came from or what terrible shit it was mixed with, just as long as they got their fix, but Levi was different. Levi had to know; he had to be clean, because if you were going to do it, you might as well do it right.

It made sense to Levi. He ignored the fact that being overly clean and cautious did not make up for or excuse him from being an addict. To him, he was better than other users, because at least he was being smart.

But sometimes his anal routine when it came to getting drugs didn’t work out. Sometimes, his usual guy couldn’t supply, and it left him lost and desperate, and most of all, sick. Dilaudid was hard to get for a reason; it wasn’t your typical street drug. It was harder to come across than morphine, or percocet, or oxys, and most definitely harder to find that heroin. They usually only gave it to patients who were straight up dying, and that’s exactly who he got it from. He had a guy, some old dude called Pixis, who was dying of cancer. He was basically on the brink of death, bald as hell from chemotherapy, and was prescribed the shit. It was the doctors way of saying, ‘here, at least you can go out easy and feeling nice.’

Unfortunately for Pixis, but fortunately for Levi, the drugs were expensive as fuck, even with insurance, so Pixis was forced to sell half of his months supply in order to afford them. Levi willingly offered to take them off his hands, buying 50 out of his script of 100 at the beginning of every month.

It was a nice deal, but then there would be times like this. Times when Levi would finish his supply earlier than planned (which was starting to happen much too often) and he would have to wait for Pixis to pick up another script before he could buy more. These times left him with nothing, and he had to find a substitute.

This morning he ventured into the northern part of the city, the part of the city that wasn’t quite as nice as the other parts, the part known for poverty and illegal activities. Levi used to live there, but had managed to move a little more south recently with the help of a friend (who he told he was going to get clean.) Since it used to be home, he had no trouble walking the streets and scouting for a dealer. They stood out in the open, on corners and in allies, just waiting, and, even though he didn’t like it, Levi was able to pick up a couple bags of heroin just to hold him over.

The problem with finding shit to get by while waiting for Pixis to pick up meant he had to be careful with his money. The high from heroin lasted longer than the high from the dilaudid, but it didn’t have the same rush that dilaudid did, and Levi was addicted to that rush. He was addicted to the way it started in his stomach, like a punch in the gut, that made him feel like he might puke, and then how it crept up his spine and trickled down his arms in a way that was almost painful, indescribable and overwhelming, and made him throw his head back and let out a gasp, like he couldn’t breathe. The rush hurting in a way that felt so amazing that it was better than any orgasm he ever had. Sex couldn’t even measure up to this drug if it tried. So much so that Levi had given up on sex entirely. It wasn’t worth the trouble. All he needed was his drug. It was better than any lover, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that at this point in his life it was his lover. A lover that had crept up on him and trapped him, pinned him down without an option to escape, not that he wanted to escape anyway.

The only reason Levi was attempting to con a doctor over today was because it could help him with his money issue temporarily. If this guy gave him something, even if it was something weak, he could sell it on the street overpriced to some people stupid enough to buy it (which was incredibly easy to do,) and if he managed to get something stronger, then he’d be able to use it himself to hold him over. Regardless, it would be free. Dr. Smith didn’t seem to realize how easy it was to avoid paying hospital bills, especially when you moved around as much as Levi did.

The doctor came over to him, standing tall in front of him, and reached out both his hands. He placed them on the sides of Levi’s head, his thumbs under his ears and his fingers spread on the back of his neck. Levi felt a little trapped with his arms blocking the rest of his vision like blinders on a horse, but he kept his head still, and simply stared forward at the broad chest in front of him.

He felt the pads of his fingers dig into his neck, rubbing in rough little circles. It was in Levi’s instinct to lean into the warm touch, especially since his high made any touch feel extra warm and pleasant. It had been a while since he had let anyone so close, but it was part of the act, and he managed to remember to act like he was in pain.

“Does it hurt?” The doctor asked when Levi flinched, and used his large hands to guide him into tilting his head, to crane his neck and get a better look.

Levi forgot his no eye contact rule and looked up just to give him a glare. “Of course it hurts. That’s why I’m here.”

The doctor let out a soft laugh before pulling his hands away. “I suppose that would make sense, yes.”

He walked back over to the counter on the opposite side of the tiny room and picked up a clipboard before speaking again. “Typically, I would refer you to a physical therapist, but since you have no insurance and that would get rather expensive I don’t think that will be an option for you.”

Levi listened carefully, hoping that this would mean he’d toss him some drugs.

Instead he handed him a piece of paper. “But, I’d hate to see a neck injury go untreated.”

Levi took the paper, and on it was a phone number, the name ‘Erwin,’ written in scratchy letters above it. Levi stared at in shock for a moment, though he didn’t let it show on his face. Was this guy seriously trying to pick him up?

He looked up, sending the doctor a coy smirk. He looked him over again, making a show of eyeing him up. Maybe the doctor had seen his earlier gazes and mistook them for flirting, when in reality Levi was so focused on not making eye contact that he forgot it would be weird to be staring at his body. Not that he was complaining now. He definitely wasn’t above using this man to get what he wanted, and he figured if the guy was sleazy enough to hit on his patients then he might be the kind of corrupted doctor who kept the good drugs to himself at home. Plus, he was good looking and it had been a while since Levi had had any fun that didn’t involve dipping out for hours at a time.

 

Levi and Erwin planned to meet the next evening, at Erwin’s apartment, for a special private ‘appointment.’ Levi was pretty sure he knew what that truly entailed, but it didn’t bother him all that much. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d slept with someone with no strings attached, or even in exchange for something, it had just been a while, and he was actually looking forward to it.

He just had to make sure he was high first, because he wasn’t going over there and putting on a show of flirting without being high, and he sure as hell wouldn’t be able to do it if he was sick. So, getting ready to go to Erwin’s had been an all day event. He told his roommate, Hanji, that he was out job searching. He had been telling them for a while that he was going to get clean and get a job, and be able to help more with paying rent, and eventually move out. They were an old friend from high school, someone he shared a mutual trust with, despite a falling out during the earlier days of his drug use. They were doing him a favor by taking him in, having pity on him and his addiction, and probably feeling slightly nostalgic and wanting their old friend back. Levi appreciated the help of course, but he kept putting off actually doing his part of the deal. He’d get a job soon, he kept telling himself. It wouldn’t be hard, so he had no need to rush.

He went to the same place he went yesterday, meeting the same man on the same corner, and picking up a bundle of heroin. Ten tiny blue wax paper bags with the words ‘HELL RAISER’ stamped on them, a rubber band tightly wrapped around them to keep them all together. Ten bags would be enough to get him through the day and into the morning, so he didn’t wake up sick, but if he couldn’t get anything else from this guy he’d have to figure out something else since he had just spent his last hundred dollars with nothing left to spare but bus fare. He held them tight in his palm, which was shoved into his pocket, as he took the bus back home. It was hot out, in the middle of June, but he was still wearing a hoodie. He didn’t have the luxury of wearing short sleeves anymore.

When he got back to the apartment he had timed it so Hanji would have already left for work, leaving him able to do as he pleased without them getting suspicious. He went right to his room, fell to his knees beside his bed, and pushed his nightstand out of the way to reveal a vent. Then, he loosened the screws, which were already partially unscrewed so he was able to do it with just his fingers, and popped the cover off. It was tedious, and a little dirty, but it was worth it. He couldn’t risk Hanji snooping around his room and finding his shit, not after he had promised them so many times that he had quit.

Out of the vent he pulled out a cardboard box, smaller than a shoebox, one that held a DS that he had sold a long while ago (he was too old for it anyway, he told himself.) It was the perfect box, because it had a false bottom, a raised layer of cardboard to separate the game console from the charger and other things that came with it. So, when it was opened it initially looked empty, until Levi lifted the second layer of cardboard, revealing an array of needles, bottle caps, q-tips, a pill crusher, and a spoon. Levi had ten needles. He bought a packet of ten every week. It went against his cleanliness policy to use a needle more than once, but recently he had been using so much that having a needle for every time was impossible. He used to buy a box of a hundred they sold at pharmacies for ten dollars, but he went through them painfully quickly, and when it came down to it, ten dollars was also enough money for a bag of dope or a dilaudid, so when it came to choosing more needles over more drugs, he chose the drugs. Now, he just bought the packet of ten for only four dollars, because that way he’d be that much closer to getting that extra high.

Also in the vent he kept a bottle of bleach, hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol, a bottle of water, and a roll of paper towels. Before and after using he would clean his needles, just to make himself feel better about shoving the overused things into his abused arms.

He kept them in order, lying in the box from most used to least used. Grabbing the least used one, he dipped it into the bottle of bleach, waited two minutes, then poured some water over it to clean it, let it dry for another two minutes, then pumped it clean by passing a couple shots of plain water through it. Once satisfied with its level of cleanness, he took out his bundle of dope, removing two bags from the rubber band, and poured their contents into the spoon (the spoon was the only thing he didn’t clean, because sometimes there would be a little residue left over that would just add to the mix and if he was really sick and really desperate he could get a decent hit from the leftovers on the spoon alone.) Then, he sucked up some water in the syringe, squirting it onto the tan powder, and mixing it until it became a dark brown inky color. Levi got excited just looking at it, seeing it’s color mix and get darker as it did, the movement of his hand swishing as he stirred it up, his fingers already getting tingly in anticipation.

Popping a piece of cotton into the mix, he watched as the liquid was sucked up, tainting the white fluff with his dirty dark brown color. Then, putting the tip of the needle onto the cotton, he sucked it up into the syringe, filling it until it was half way full, sucking the spoon and cotton dry.

He was quick with the next part, feeling anxious even though he had no reason to be. Hanji wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours, and he didn’t have to be at Erwin’s for another two, so he had all the time in the world. But he was eager, just seeing the liquid in the needle made his blood pump faster, and his high from earlier was just starting to wear off, a slight pain in his head, and an ache in his stomach beginning to form.

Ripping off his hoodie he exposed his arms, both scarred in the crook of his elbows, with long red angry lines. The centers of his elbows were the worst, where he had shot up the most. Each elbow had two sweet spots, and from there he had traveled up and down, creating lines like a map that followed the outline of his veins. They were constantly scabbed, from being reopened so much, the tiny pinprick of the needle being more than enough to leave a mark on his pale skin. The bruising had stopped a while ago though. When he first started using he bruised like mad, huge blues and purples covering the insides of his arms, but by now his body was used to the constant attack, and it hardened to it, no longer bruising. That didn’t make the tracks on his arms any less noticeable though, and he still had to hide them, they even surprised him sometimes. He would catch a glimpse of his arms in the mirror in the morning and ask, ‘when did they get so big?’ ‘When did they get so dark?’

He took off his belt, which was already shredded at the place his teeth had torn into it so many times, and wrapped it around his arm. Keeping it tight in his teeth he picked the needle up again, not hesitating to poke at his skin in the usual spot, his skin tough and resisting. An audible pop was heard when it was pushed passed the scarring tissue, and he gritted his teeth, the overused needle beginning to dig into his arm in a way that was less than pleasant, but not something he wasn’t used to. After some fishing around, he found a vein, and a beautiful red bloom of blood filled the syringe, quickly darkening and mixing with the brown liquid already inside. That sight got him more excited than anything. That was when he knew he had it. The prep was exciting to begin with, but seeing his red blood fill the syringe was what really made his blood pump faster, knowing, ‘it’s in, I got the vein, and I all I have to do is push in.’ He pushed down on the plunger, dropping the tie from his mouth as he did, and felt an instant rush down his spine. He let out a gasp; eyes fluttering shut, and fell back against the bed, enjoying the wave of pleasure that overtook him. The aches and pains that had begun to creep into his body were suddenly gone, melted away and masked by the warm fuzziness of the drug. Finally, he felt normal again, like he could function without discomfort or worry, and his mind and body were at peace.

Levi relaxed for a just a moment, before blinking his eyes open and getting to cleaning up. Before he began, he pulled his wrinkled packet of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one up. Hanji didn’t like him smoking in the apartment, but he needed a cig right away. It always felt best to smoke one right after having a shot, because just like after sex, the cigarette was the cherry on top. His neurotic cleaning habits wouldn’t let him leave to smoke outside, so he had to do it simultaneously. With the cig hanging loosely in his mouth he cleaned the needle by passing a couple shots of plain water through it, then let it sit in bleach for two minutes again, before washing it off, letting it dry, and placing it back into the box. His belt still hung around his arm, but loosely, and he finally removed it so he could clean his scabs. He grabbed a paper towel, dabbed some rubbing alcohol on it, and cleaned up his arm, collecting a little blood that had dripped when he removed the needle. To finish up, he washed his hands with hand sanitizer, and shoved everything back into the vent (even the dirty paper towel, because if Hanji saw the blood on it they would know what it was from.) As an after thought he grabbed two needles, and four of the bags, because he realized he wasn’t sure how long he’d be with Erwin, and he may need another shot or two later. He didn’t like shooting up in places outside of his home, since he couldn’t take his usual precautions, but sometimes he had no choice.

So, he took the bus to Erwin’s, packed only with the clothes on his back and a tiny black velvet bag that held his shit in his back pocket. He wore a black button down shirt, still casual, and light enough that it wouldn’t be weird for him to be wearing it in the heat. In the back of his mind he worried about his eyes, knowing that his pupils were impossibly small, but he figured he’d find a way to distract Erwin from them.

Erwin had given him the directions to his apartment, and told him to simply use the call button when he was there. The apartment building was a beautiful old red stone, with a black gate over the front door. Levi pressed the button and waited to be buzzed up.

“Levi?” The voice came over the intercom.

Levi held the button, and spoke flatly. “It’s me.”

There was a buzz and then a click, signaling the door had been unlocked.

Levi opened the door to a long hallway, a staircase to his right, and an elevator towards the end. The lighting in the hall was dim, making it appear dark and murky against the yellow walls and floral patterned rug. He chose to take the elevator, even though Erwin said he was only on the fifth floor.

In the elevator his eyes fell shut, and he swayed on the spot, the movements making his stomach turn. When the bell dinged, signaling that he had reached his floor, he snapped his eyes opened, not having realized they had fallen shut, and shook his head, trying to sober himself up.

Erwin had left the door slightly ajar, and Levi could see the light coming from it down the hall. He approached it and didn’t hesitate to enter. Since he had the door opened he figured Erwin wouldn’t mind if he just came in. Erwin wasn’t anywhere in sight once he was inside, so he took the chance to take in his surroundings, scoping things out to see if maybe he could spot something of interest to him. The apartment was modest; more so than Levi was expecting, but then again he also didn’t know how much doctors typically made. It was rather bland, minimal furniture, and all in dull earth tones, which created a kind of relaxing cohesive atmosphere. But it was neat, which Levi appreciated.

“Ah, Levi, did you find the place ok?” Levi was skimming his fingers over an end table in the foyer when he heard Erwin call out to him. He looked up to see Erwin leaning over a counter, which separated the kitchen from the living room.

Levi shrugged, looking away to eye the rest of the room as he stepped in further. “It wasn’t a problem. I took the bus.”

“Right. I guess your car is still out of commission then?” Erwin lifted his arms up from the counter to fold them over his chest. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. There was a window open behind him, the cool breeze from the summer evening chilling the otherwise stuffy room.

“Right.” Levi answered back, forgetting entirely about his made up car story.

“Well, parking is a hassle anyway,” Erwin said with a wave of his hand before reaching behind the counter to pull up a bottle of red wine and two glasses. He sent Levi a small, honest, smile. “I figured we could have a drink before looking at your neck. Make this a little less formal.”

Levi eyed the bottle. “I don’t drink.” He said slowly. He did, on occasion, but usually he had so many opiates in his system that drinking never appealed to him to begin with. In a situation like this, the last thing he needed was to get so fucked up he passed out.

Erwin made a slight hum of surprise. “Ah, alright. Shall we just look at your neck then?”

Erwin raised his eyebrows in question and stared at him from across the counter waiting for an answer. Levi met his gaze for a moment, feeling like he was floating on the spot, before drawling out, “Where’s your bathroom?”

Levi quickly went to the bathroom once Erwin pointed it out to him. He locked the door behind him. The atmosphere in the apartment was thick and awkward, but he couldn’t really tell. He was past caring, his hazy state of mind making him feel indifferent. He didn’t really have to use the bathroom; instead he busied himself by opening the medicine cabinet. He fumbled through a couple bottles of over the counter pain meds, some allergy and cold meds, nothing interesting. With a sigh he bent down, opening the cabinets under the sink, and searched through there, only finding cleaning supplies and spare rolls of toilet paper.

“Fuck me, of course this guy doesn’t have any good shit,” he grumbled under his breath. Maybe he had another bathroom, one in the bedroom. It’d make more sense for him to keep heavier drugs in there. With that in mind Levi flushed the toilet, just to seem convincing, and then left the bathroom, his new destination being Erwin’s bedroom.

Erwin was sitting on the couch waiting, a glass of wine held casually limp in his hand. He barely had any time to look up before Levi was on him, sitting on his lap and straddling his waist.

“Levi –”

Levi pushed his hand holding the glass out of the way, guiding him into placing it down on the end table beside the couch. Once that was out of the way, he wrapped his arms around his neck and sank down to kiss him. It was the fastest way to get into his bedroom, after all. Besides, he’d be damned if he wasn’t planning on milking this for all it was worth.

“Come on, isn’t this what you wanted?” Levi hissed over his lips once they parted. Erwin hadn’t recuperated, and his hands still hung loosely by his sides, refusing to touch Levi.

“I don’t usually do this,” Erwin answered back, finally placing his hands on Levi’s waist after an encouraging wiggle of his hips.

Levi smirked at him. “Do what? Bring home your patients or sleep with strangers?”

Erwin returned the smile. “Bring home patients.”

Levi wiggled his hips some more. “So, let’s just forget about me being a patient and go to your bedroom.”

“Don’t you need to have your neck looked at?” Erwin asked, letting his hands travel up and down his torso. Levi squirmed under the touch, Erwin’s large hands practically wrapping around his entire waist, and sending a heat wave through him. The pads of his fingers pressed into his numb skin, mixing with the tingle of pleasure that radiated through him from his high.

“It can wait,” he said, his head falling back a bit as he ground his hips once more. “There’s more important things to worry about now.”

Levi let out a surprised gasp as he was lifted upwards, Erwin easily carrying him in the direction of his bedroom.

“Christ, warn me before you do shit like that,” he scolded, wrapping his arms and legs tightly around Erwin so he didn’t fall, even though Erwin had a good grip on his tiny light-weight frame.

Erwin just let out a quiet, throaty laugh as he tossed him onto the bed. Before Levi knew it the larger man was on top of him, shielding his much smaller body like a cage, and crashing his lips onto his.

They kissed hungrily, and Levi realized how much he had missed physical contact. The drug made everything feel so much nicer than he remembered, and every touch Erwin gave him sent hot sparks across his skin.

Then, Erwin was kissing down his neck, biting and sucking at the curve of his throat, and heading down towards his collarbone. Levi, lost in a daze, put his hands in his hair and let him travel further down his body. He felt quick, skilled fingers unbuttoning his shirt, and soft plump lips mixed with a wet, warm tongue dancing along his chest and stomach.

Once the hands moved to push his shirt off his shoulder he snapped out of it. If Erwin got his shirt off he’d see his arms, and Levi couldn’t have that. Quickly, with all his strength (and despite being small, he did have a lot of it) he pushed at Erwin’s shoulders, shoving him off of him and onto his back, reversing their positions.

Erwin breathed out a laugh in surprise, but didn’t offer any complaint. Levi let his shirt hang open, and straddled his hips. Leaning down, he pushed up Erwin’s t-shirt, revealing his toned stomach and chest. Levi knew he was muscular, that much was obvious just by looking at him, but he still took a sharp intake of breath at the sight of his bare skin. He traveled his hands up and down his torso, kneading his skin roughly and tracing his abs with his fingers, before heading to his waistband to remove his pants.

Erwin leaned back on his elbows and relaxed, letting Levi do as he pleased. He craned his neck to look down as Levi removed his cock from its confines. Levi wasted no time putting the thing into his mouth and getting to work. It had been a while, and Erwin was definitely larger than average, but the numbness in his body made it easy for him to take him fully; sloppily and hungrily sucking him off until he was cumming in his mouth and pulling at his hair.

Levi pulled away after swallowing with a gasp and wiped at his mouth. He barely had a chance to look at Erwin before he was being pulled by his hair up the length of Erwin’s body, dragged into a messy, heated kiss.

Erwin moved a hand to Levi’s jeans, and made quick to open them. Levi jerked away; cringing at the extra tug it earned his hair.

“Wait, stop –” He bit against Erwin’s lips. As much as he wanted it, and fuck he really wanted it, having been so long since he felt any kind of desire like this, but he knew it wasn’t possible. Levi was too high, and while he had no trouble getting his dick up, he knew the process of actually getting off would take much too long, too long for it to not be suspicious.

“What’s wrong?” Erwin asked, pulling away to look at Levi with a concerned expression.

Levi groaned inwardly, because he did truly look concerned, and he felt kind of bad, mostly bad for himself, because he really wanted to fuck him.

“My, uh, my neck hurts.” Levi spat out the only excuse he could think of.

Erwin sat up, guiding Levi into sitting up next to him. “I’m sorry, I should have realized that was a bad idea. Do you want me to look at it now?”

Levi gave him a curt nod, and soon Erwin was kneeling behind him, large hands pressing into his neck and massaging. He chuckled to lighten to mood. “I’m not a physical therapist by any means, but I think with a little extra care I could get you feeling back to normal.”

Levi just grunted in response, unconsciously melting into the touch. After all the action he’d just done his high was starting to wear off, and the massage was helping the impending aches he felt coming on.

“You know,” Erwin’s head was by his ear now, and he breathed hotly over it. “It might be easier if we took off your clothes.”

Levi’s eyes snapped open as he felt Erwin’s hands begin to slide his shirt off. He quickly jumped up from the bed. “What time is it?”

Erwin stared at him in confusion, his hands still in the same position in the air as if Levi hadn’t moved. “Um, I think it’s about eight thirty?”

“Shit, I have to get home,” Levi lied, making to frantically button up his shirt. “Can I use your bathroom again?”

He gestured to the door behind him, which he assumed to be the master bath, and Erwin nodded, still with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

Levi entered the bathroom and locked the door behind him, still breathing heavily from the whole experience. He turned on the faucet, letting it run while he rummaged through the cabinets.

“Fuck, you gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me,” he growled in a hushed voice. “Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.” The guy had nothing. Great. Levi just went through all that for fucking nothing, and he had to get out of here before the guy expected him to get nude.

He ran his hands over his face. “It’s fine, Levi. Everything is fine. You still have shit. You’ll be fine. You have enough time to figure something else out.” He whispered to himself, trying to calm himself down as he felt his anxieties begin to creep over him again.

Splashing some water on his face he left the bathroom. Erwin wasn’t in his room, but instead waiting in the living room for him. Levi walked over to the door, and Erwin followed.

“Is everything ok?” He asked, seeming slightly worried.

“Fine.” Levi responded. “I just told my roommate I’d be home with dinner before they got back from work.” Still a lie.

Erwin smiled, the lie working to calm whatever doubts he had. “Ah, alright. Well, maybe we should do this again sometime? I still didn’t get to properly look at your neck…and physical therapy sessions usually require more than one visit.”

The smile he gave Levi was a coy, flirty one, and after a moment Levi returned it. Maybe this guy wasn’t a complete lost cause.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”


	2. Chapter 2

Levi managed to figure something out; he always did, because not figuring something out wasn’t an option. But, like every time, it was only temporary. Just as quick as the drugs had entered his hand, they were gone, and he was already thinking ten steps ahead, trying to come up with a way to get more.

Erwin and him had planned to meet up again, and this time Levi decided he was going to be straightforward with him. He was in pain, which wasn’t a lie, and he was going to get his shit. He needed a steady supply. He was sick of having to waste his high worrying about when he was going to get the next one, and Pixis wasn’t picking up for another six days (which, even though it didn’t sound like it, felt like a lifetime to Levi.)

There was only so much plotting and scheming he could do before all options ran out. Before there was nothing left to sell, no friends to borrow money from, no dumb kids on the block to steal from, no more equally desperate addicts to con over. His life would be so much easier and less dangerous if Erwin would just comply. Levi had mentally scolded the man for putting him in a situation where he was forced to burn another addict. Levi would take their money, promise he’d come back with drugs, but would never return. Instead he would use the money on himself. It was risky, because taking another addicts money was a death wish, but he was so desperate he didn’t care. Even if he did get killed, then it was Erwin’s fault for not giving him his drugs. Of course, Levi blamed Erwin, because Levi was convinced he owed him at this point, even if it was unbeknownst to the man himself.

When Levi got to Erwin’s, he didn’t waste any time, attacking Erwin right in the foyer, barely giving him enough time to close the door, and jacking him off, complete with shameless dirty talk and fake moans.

Erwin attempted to return the favor once more, but Levi prompted him to look at his neck first, even though he had no intention of actually letting Erwin touch him later. They went to his bedroom, and Erwin brought in a chair for Levi to sit in. Levi sat in it backwards, with his arms resting on the back and his legs wrapped around it. Erwin sat behind him on the bed.

Guiding Levi’s head forward and back, Erwin showed him how to roll it on his shoulders in order to ease the pain.

Levi grunted as Erwin pushed at his head, his fingers lightly scratching at the short hair on the back of his neck. “Hurts.”

“It will take a while for the pain to subside,” Erwin answered, moving two hands to his shoulders, pressing his thumbs into the center of his nape and massaging. “You just have to keep up with these exercises, and before you know it you’ll be back to normal.”

Levi bit his lip before continuing, trying to figure out the best way to word his next question. “Isn’t there anything else?”

“Well, you can buy a special pillow to sleep with, to ensure you keep good posture and don’t wake up aching.”

“No, I mean,” Levi paused. “Like, pain medicine or something?”

Erwin hummed low in his throat before responding, his hands leaving Levi. “For something like this, pain meds would be a bad idea. All they would do is mask the pain, and in turn cause you to hurt yourself more. You wouldn’t recognize when you were in pain, and it would just make the healing process take longer.”

Levi didn’t say anything back, instead he kept his head down, his lips tight in a line of anger, and if he weren’t so determined to keep up appearances he would have screamed from the news.

After a moment, he asked, “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure,” Erwin answered, standing up and grazing his fingertips along Levi’s shoulder blades as he did. The touch made Levi furious. “I’m going to get myself a drink.”

Levi nodded curtly before standing himself and heading into the bathroom. Once again he locked the door and turned on the faucet. He splashed water on his face, leaning heavily over the sink for a moment as the information set in.

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He slammed his hands on the counter with open palms. The slap that came from it was quiet, but still left a painful tingle against his skin. Running his hands through his hair he kept cursing under his breath, unsure what to do next. He paced the bathroom for a moment longer, feeling hot and sweaty in his hoodie. He unzipped it, and played with the zipper in his hands nervously.

What was he supposed to do now? How many times would he have to suck this guy’s dick before he dished out some fucking drugs? Didn’t he get it? Part of him wished Erwin was enough of a corrupt asshole that he could just simply say to him, ‘Hey look I got a drug problem, and if you just supply me with some good shit I’ll be your perfect dirty little fucktoy and do whatever you want, whenever you want.’ Of course, Levi didn’t have such luck. 

Once he composed himself he left the bathroom, and saw Erwin was nowhere in sight. He peeked out the door, and still saw nothing, but he could hear the clanking of dishes coming from the kitchen. Feeling a little bitter, he took it upon himself to do some snooping.

He walked over to Erwin’s nightstand, and opened the drawer as quietly as possible. It was full of random objects (a notepad with some pens, a calculator, dental floss, condoms, lube, a packet of tissues) and Levi shifted through them thoughtlessly. Eventually, his fingers came across something thin and cold, and he pulled out a gold chain. It was small and thin, but heavy. Not gaudy at all, but still not something he could see a guy like Erwin actually wearing. He held it in his palm, and raised his hand up and down a few times to feel its weight. Despite its thinness, it felt pretty hefty. Throwing another look towards the door, Levi listened closely for sounds of movement, before holding the chain up close to his face to confirm if it was real. To his delight, it was, and Levi smiled to himself. Still feeling pissed that this guy wouldn’t toss him any drugs; he figured this would make up for it, and shoved the thing into his pocket.

He turned to leave, making his way out of the bedroom. An excuse was already making its way out of his mouth when he collided with Erwin, who just happened to be reentering the bedroom.

Erwin grabbed him by his arms, and Levi almost panicked, fearing he had been caught, even though he knew Erwin hadn’t seen him.

“Leaving already?” He asked, the same stupid smirk returning to his face. Levi wasn’t really in the mood for it, so he just glared back up at him. “There’s still one more exercise I have to show you.”

“Look, I –” Levi was about to protest, feeling impatient and less than satisfied. He just wanted to leave, try and make it to the pawn shop he usually went to before it closed, and see how much money he’d get for this thing.

Erwin cut him off by swooping down and kissing him, his large hands moving up to cup his face and guiding him into walking backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed.

Levi fell backwards with a tiny sound of discontent, but said nothing when Erwin quickly sunk down to his knees in front of him. He pushed at his shirt with one hand, exposing Levi’s torso, and worked at his belt with the other.

Levi raised a brow. “This is an exercise?”

“To help you relax,” Erwin answered without missing a beat. He smiled up at Levi, but Levi didn’t return it. He wasn’t particularly in the mood to be touched, and if he wanted to get to the pawnshop in time he definitely wouldn’t have enough time to do this.

Erwin palmed at his soft cock through his boxers once his fly was opened. Levi was nonresponsive, his body still too numb to get excited that quickly, and he thought Erwin would be put off, but instead he seemed unfazed.

“Erwin –” Levi once again tried to offer a complaint, placing both his hands on Erwin’s broad shoulders and lightly shoving at him. Erwin didn’t even look up at him; instead he leaned forward, his one hand traveling further up Levi’s chest, bringing the shirt with it, until his thumb and forefinger found a nipple. His head came forward even more, and he attached his lips to one of the junctions of Levi’s hips, sucking gently.

Levi grunted at the sudden stimulation, the rough pinch to his chest getting more of a response out of him than the hand on his cock.

“Erwin –” he tried again, but this time the protest was much weaker.

“Let me return the favor,” Erwin lifted his head and spoke huskily, probably sensing Levi’s unwillingness to comply.

Levi wanted to tell him no, just because he knew the numbness in his body would prevent him from cumming easily, but Erwin kept rolling his nipple between his fingers, and his hand stayed warm on his cock, his lips wet and teasing against his skin, and suddenly Levi didn’t care.

It took a while for Levi to cum. Even with Erwin’s mouth on his cock and three fingers in his ass he still couldn’t get over the edge.

“Are you close?” Erwin asked, coming up for air. His hand worked his cock in the meantime, and his fingers pressed deep inside him.

Levi shook under him, the stimulation almost being too much. The problem with getting off while being hopped up on dope wasn’t that he couldn’t feel pleasure, because he could, and it even felt better than usual sometimes. The problem was that he could be so close to the edge, painstakingly close, but he would never reach it.

Levi had been feeling like he was going to cum for a while now, but of course the dope was preventing it from actually happening. Despite Erwin’s best efforts, and fuck they really had to be his best because he was driving Levi mad, his body was still too numb, the usual level of sensitivity missing. The worst part about it was after a while it would hurt, just being pushed so close to the edge for so long, and knowing it was there, being able to feel it just beyond the horizon. And yet, every time he felt like he was about to cum the feeling would disappear, only to build up slowly again. It was frustrating, and there had been times before with previous lovers where Levi had just stopped the whole thing short because it wasn’t worth the pain and frustration, but he couldn’t put an end to this.

“F-fuck,” Levi hissed, his fists clenching the sheets as he tried to will his body not to shake. His legs quivered as Erwin thrust his fingers deeper, harder, and twisted and curled them. The hand on his cock pumped faster, and Erwin swirled his tongue over the tip.

Levi knew Erwin’s hands had to be getting tired, probably cramped. When he asked if Levi was close he didn’t ask it in an impatient way, more in a sultry way, but Levi knew it was most likely an act, and that he must have been getting annoyed even though he didn’t show it.

“Y-you suck at this,” Levi gasped out, trying to pass off his unusual stamina as being Erwin’s fault.

“Is that so?” Erwin chuckled, his hot breath ghosting over the head of Levi’s cock. “You seem to be enjoying yourself.”

Levi had been frantically thrusting his hips to meet both of Erwin’s hands, desperately seeking his release for the past ten minutes, and in his haze he was unaware of how hectic his movements were. “Fuck, a-almost.” He grunted, more to himself than to Erwin.

“Are you going to cum for me?” Levi could feel Erwin’s eyes on his face, but he couldn’t meet his gaze. Instead he was focused on catching his orgasm, and he threw his head back with an almost painful sounding moan.

“Cum for me, Levi,” Erwin spoke again, voice deeper and rougher than before, enticing Levi to let loose.

He moved his head down, pausing at his balls to suck them into his mouth before moving even lower, letting his tongue mingle with his fingers.

That managed to be enough for Levi, and finally he reached a powerful orgasm. He let out a choked sob of pleasure mixed with gratitude, and his body shuddered violently as he came over his stomach. He felt like his whole body was shattering to pieces, like Erwin had ripped the glue that held him together right out of him. He trembled for minutes after it was over, feeling like his limbs were detached from himself, barely registering Erwin cleaning him up with his tongue.

It was so good that it almost made him feel bad when he went to sell the gold necklace later. But his guilt was completely forgotten when the necklace was replaced with two hundred dollars.

Levi thought he would be done with Erwin after that (because surely Erwin would notice the missing necklace,) but to Levi’s surprise he called him again, and he just couldn’t say no.

He didn’t even need him anymore, because with the money from the necklace he was able to buy two bundles of heroin, keep one for himself and sell the other for more money, and repeat. Keeping with this pattern he was able to keep himself in steady supply until Pixis picked up again.

Regardless, decided to see him again, and then kept seeing him even after that. For some reason he found that there was something nice about being with Erwin. In a way, there were multiple advantages. He told Hanji he was going to nightly NA meetings, when in reality he just started spending a few hours a night with Erwin. That way they laid off his back a little bit about getting a job, and they were proud of him for ‘taking a step in the right direction.’

That was another thing, Erwin didn’t know. He didn’t have any preconceived ideas. Hanji said they trusted him, but he could see the truth in their eyes. It didn’t matter if he was actually going to NA meetings or not, because either way he would be forever branded with the term ‘drug addict,’ and every other word that came with it; scum, trash, lowlife, etc. In the end it didn’t really matter at all, because he would never truly be clean.

Erwin didn’t know, so he looked at him with clean eyes. He didn’t know the scars on his arms; he didn’t know the things he had done, the people he had screwed over, including him. It felt nice to be with someone who was unaware of who he really was.

Sometimes, he would say things that made Levi wonder if maybe he did know. He would ask questions, like, ‘You haven’t eaten today?’ when Levi was too high to stomach anything. Or, ‘Are you tired?’ when Levi’s eyes would fall closed every time he was so high that he slipped in and out of consciousness. And then, every time Levi would leave, he would say, ‘Be safe,’ and it left in odd feeling in Levi’s gut. Why would he feel the need to tell him to be safe?

He never said anything directly though, so Levi never could tell if he really knew or not. He kept their meetings short, and mostly physical, quick enough that he was able to remain mostly clothed without it being strange.

It was kind of like a game. Levi felt a certain kind of power from being with Erwin, because it was mostly one-sided. Levi got to play with Erwin, while keeping himself at a distance. Rarely letting Erwin touch him back, and never letting Erwin see him completely. He liked teasing and fucking with Erwin. It provided a nice distraction, and it was a nice cozy place to crash without the prying eyes of Hanji. Plus, Levi forgot how fun it was to fuck around while high out of his mind. It didn’t even bother him that Erwin couldn’t always return the favor, but when he did it was amazing. Erwin acted dignified and gallant, but he fucked dirty, and he made Levi feel like he was reborn every time he made him cum.

 

“Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?” Levi asked him late one night. He had gotten closer to him unintentionally over the past two weeks. Their meetings grew longer, and Levi found himself lying on his bed in post coital bliss, jeans tangled around his ankles, and shirt hanging around his neck with his arms still in the sleeves, his head buried face down in the pillow.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asked next to him.

Levi turned his head to look up at him. “Have you ever done anything crazy?” He repeated. “Like, I don’t know, stolen a car, or something.”

Erwin laughed and shook his head. “No, why would I do that?”

Levi pulled himself up, quickly pulling his shirt down to cover his stomach. He reached over the bed to find his hoodie that had been discarded earlier, and then tugged it over his head. His shirt was long sleeved, and the hoodie he wore over it had its sleeves cut off. It was less hot that way, and a much better solution than wearing regular hoodies in the summer. He could just wear the long sleeved shirt, but he liked wearing layers. It hid his body more, and thus hid the amount of weight he was losing the more he stopped eating in favor of buying drugs instead of food. Hunger pains didn’t hurt when high, after all.

“I don’t know,” he said, shifting to pull up his pants. “You can’t tell me you’ve never done anything a little stupid. You fuck too good to be a saint.”

Erwin snorted at that. “Well, I guess I got into my share of trouble during my teenage years.”

“Oh yeah?” Levi raised a brow and slid closer to Erwin, slipping onto his lap and wrapping his arms around his neck. “Tell me about it.”

Erwin happily welcomed Levi into his lap, resting his hands on his waist. “There isn’t much to tell. The usually kid stuff.”

“How boring,” Levi seemed disappointed.

“What about you?” Erwin teased back. “You have to have something up your sleeve as well?”

Levi’s face fell into a serious expression, and he looked away. “No.”

Erwin jostled him playfully. “I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t want to hear about me.” Levi said, tearing himself away from Erwin’s grip and sliding off the bed.

“Of course I do.” Erwin responded, his hand mindlessly following Levi as he pulled away from him.

Levi sent him a forced smile, in an attempt to play it off as being coy. “What makes you think I would have some sort of crazy past?”

“You’re right. You seem far too innocent for that.”

Levi rolled his eyes, turning his back to slip on his shoes. Of course, he didn’t have a crazy past. He had a crazy present.

“Tomorrow, then?” Erwin spoke after a moment.

For once, Levi hesitated, as if just now realizing how it had become expected that they saw each other everyday, and how odd that was. He couldn’t remember how it happened, but he was known for being a routine based person, so he supposed that was how it crept by him unnoticed. Part of him wanted to say no, because he knew he was getting too comfortable, and it was only a matter of time before Erwin found out about the real him, and then kicked him to the curb like the piece of trash that he was. But then again, why did he care?

Even so, he found himself turning and nodding.

“Alright. Stay safe.” Erwin said, as he always did.

“Yeah.” He answered flatly, not offering a goodbye and seeing himself out. Instead of going directly home, he made a stop to pick up some extra bags of dope, and some coke just on a whim, because something told him he wasn’t going to sleep that night anyway.

 

Hanji wouldn’t shut up about the NA meetings. They wanted to know every little thing, and every detail. Levi knew they were probably just trying to be supportive, but it was annoying having to make up stories just to get them to shut up, and he honestly didn’t like lying to them to begin with.

“Are there lots of people that attend?” They asked, hovering over a pan of fried eggs one morning, hair in such a messy ponytail that Levi could tell they must have slept in it again.

He wrapped his hands around his coffee mug and hunched over the counter. The smell of the eggs was making him feel sick. It was still early, and he hadn’t had his first shot of the day yet. Food never agreed with him when he wasn’t high, because he could never keep anything down, and the smell alone made him want to vomit. The only thing he could stomach was his coffee, and he had a morning routine every day where he would drink his coffee, smoke a cig, and then take a shit. The opiates made him constipated, and any time he skipped this routine he’d end up being plugged up for way longer than he liked.

It was also harder to lie to Hanji when he wasn’t high. “I guess.”

“Have you met anyone?” They further pressed.

“No.” Levi answered flatly, hoping his tone would hint that he wanted them to drop it.

They continued unfazed. “You should really try reaching out to people, Levi. It could be good for you.”

Levi scoffed. “Yeah? How? Meeting new connects?”

They clicked their tongue at him, unamused by his joke, but smiling anyway. “No, you could help each other, you know. Talk to people who understand what you’re going through, and who have also been through it. It’d be easier if you weren’t alone.”

Levi didn’t respond. Stupidly, his mind was quick to think of Erwin, to think that he wasn’t alone. They had been spending so much time together his brain almost tricked him into believing it. But they weren’t together and Levi was alone. Erwin didn’t know him, and he didn’t want to know him. Levi had lied to Erwin, stolen from him, kept secrets from him. It was no different than every other sabotaged relationship Levi had ever been in, with friends, family, and lovers alike.

Hanji had started talking about something else, but Levi was no longer listening. Silently he turned to leave and went to his bedroom. He’d feel better after he got high, got numb to all his morning aches and pains, and numb to the stupid nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

When Levi saw Erwin later he was desperate, pulling and tugging at his skin and clothes, violent in his neediness. He wanted Erwin to fuck him, and fuck him good. He was higher than he should have been, so he wanted something to hurt him, to make him feel.

He could barely keep his eyes open as he shoved Erwin onto his couch and practically fell into his lap.

“Levi –” Erwin shoved at his tiny body when Levi slumped over him, his head falling limp in the crook of his neck as he attempted to kiss him there. “Wait.”

Levi groaned, his impatience battling with his high. “Why?” He asked with a bite to Erwin’s throat.

“I have to – I have to ask you something.” He paused only when Levi began to suck. He grabbed Levi’s head with both his hands and pulled him back so he could look at him.

Levi tried to meet his gaze, but his eyelids dropped against his will, and every time he forced himself to open them his eyes would cross in a rather unattractive manner.

“Levi,” Erwin started again, his hands hot where they cupped his face.

Levi pawed at his chest in eagerness. “Can’t it wait?”

“No, it’s very important to me.”

“Fine.” Levi sighed; unaware of the way Erwin was staring at him, his eyes boring into his own.

“I had a gold necklace in my nightstand and I can’t find it. Have you seen it?”

Levi sobered up quicker than he ever thought at the mention of the necklace. He shook his head and blinked his eyes open fully. “No, why would I –”

“Well, you’ve gone into my nightstand before,” he was talking about the numerous times Erwin had sent him to grab condoms and lube. “Are you sure you haven’t seen it?”

“No,” Levi said again, and he tried to move forward to distract Erwin by kissing him, but Erwin held him in place.

Erwin stared at him for a moment, and Levi felt his heart beat quickening. “Levi, do you think I’m stupid?”

“What?” Levi was more than taken aback by the question, and he instinctively jerked his head out of Erwin’s grip.

Erwin moved his hands to his arms. “If you have a problem, you should –”

“What?” Levi asked again, this time out of defensiveness instead of surprise. He pulled himself from Erwin’s grip and stood in front of him. “A problem? What are you talking about? What problem?”

Erwin paused for minute and just looked at Levi, who stood tense in front of him with clenched fists. “Levi, I’m a doctor and I can see when –”

“When what?” Levi cut him off again, and his voice was rising without him being able to hold back. “You think I have a problem? What kind of problem? Why don’t you just say it?”

“A drug problem.” Erwin answered flatly with no hesitation.

Levi huffed, and stuttered for a moment before speaking. “Are you kidding? You think I have a drug problem?”

“Well, I –”

Once again Levi wouldn’t let him talk, and instead talked over him. “Who the fuck do you think you are accusing me of having a drug problem?”

Levi had had this conversation so many times before, and yet every time he managed to convince himself he was in the right. He taught himself to deny, deny, deny, no matter what. No matter if you got caught red handed with a fucking needle in your arm, you always denied. It didn’t matter that Erwin was right, or that Levi had stolen from him. No addict wanted to be called out on their dependence, and it raised a fire inside Levi quicker than anything else.

He should be used to this feeling, the feeling of someone looking down at him, accusing him of being the weak-willed piece of shit he really was, but this was different. Erwin wasn’t put off by Levi’s outburst, and stayed sitting on the couch as he simply watched Levi fume in front of him. He didn’t have a look of disgust on his face. He stayed calm, and stared at Levi with the same stoic expression Levi had begun to know him for. His voice offered no indignation of disappointment or any trace of belittlement or even pity.

“Levi, I’m not trying to offend you, I just –” 

It just made Levi angrier, and from this position Levi was slightly taller than him, so he loomed over Erwin to give himself a better advantage. “Fuck you, Erwin, you don’t know me just because we fucked a few times. You have no right to accuse of anything. You said yourself you fuck strangers all the time, so how do I know you’re not blaming something someone else did on me?”

Levi started to walk in the direction of the door, and only then did Erwin stand to follow him. “Levi, I’m not seeing anyone else.”

“Whatever.” Levi shrugged him off, and quickly left out the door. Part of him thought Erwin might follow, but he didn’t.

It didn’t matter anyway, because Levi knew this was bound to happen eventually. He had ruined every relationship he had ever been in, had burned every bridge connecting him to any other human being he had any type of closeness with. Erwin was just another bridge to burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments! Sorry i dont always respond, but i do read them all and they really mean a lot!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really sorry it took me so long to update this (I'm usually much better, I promise,) but this chapter is a little longer, so hopefully that makes up for it? Thanks to everyone who has been patient and left kudos and comments!

Levi knew he didn’t need more than one bundle, because one bundle would be enough to get him through the day fine. He knew if he got two he’d end up doing two, and he really couldn’t afford to do that this time. His supply from Pixis had just run out, even though he felt like he only picked it up yesterday. In reality it had been seven days. Seven days was all it took for him to go through fifty pills, which a little while ago would have lasted him a month. He didn’t even realize when he had started using more. All the sudden the high from one pill wasn’t enough, and he started doing two, until that turned into three and then five, and then he was doing ten total in a day.

He was walking somewhere on Front Street, between Fifth and Sixth, and he had just met a dealer. His pace was quick, and he kept his eyes straight ahead, focusing on getting the fuck off of the street without looking suspicious.

Technically, he didn’t buy the two bundles. He gave the man money, but it wasn’t real money. It was counterfeit. He had a friend, well friend probably wasn’t the right word, but he knew a guy who made fake money. He had agreed to give some to Levi if Levi agreed to pick up the drugs. The guy was confident in his counterfeiting skills, but not confident enough to actually try and give it to a man who most likely had a gun on him, and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

Levi was willing to do the job, because even if he got killed it didn’t really matter. It was between getting sick and getting killed, and to him those were basically the same thing.

On the street, most dealers were educated in how to spot counterfeit bills, because it was actually a pretty common trick. Most people didn’t get away with it unless the bills were done really nicely, or if it was dark out enough. Luckily for Levi, it was just past dusk, and it was dark enough that the dealer couldn’t get a good look at the bills. Levi had also crinkled them in his pocket before giving them to him. Mostly to hide their true texture, which was a little too close to paper instead of the actual soft texture of money.

He made the deal quickly, and power walked out of there. It wasn’t suspicious for someone to walk away quickly when picking up drugs, so he didn’t have to worry about that. All he had to do was not look paranoid, so he kept his head forward and straight, not looking behind him as he briskly walked away from the man he had just technically robbed.

Levi was supposed to go back to the counterfeiter. They had made an agreement that if Levi took the risk and got the drugs, then they would split the two bundles. But as Levi walked with the two tightly rubber banded bunches in his pocket, he suddenly realized that there was nothing stopping him from keeping them to himself. He was the one who took the risk after all, while that dude stayed locked in his house safe and alone. Levi deserved the two bundles more than him; he at least deserved more than half the profit since he put his life on the line. He could have died, and for all that guy knew maybe he did die, so with that in mind he went straight home, keeping all the drugs to himself.

When Levi got home, it was way later than he had planned. It was his plan to leave early afternoon, and get home right before Hanji left for work. That way he’d at least see them first so they wouldn’t be suspicious. Unfortunately, he didn’t end up getting home until well into the evening, after they left, and they had been texting him all afternoon asking where he was. He ignored them, because part of him thought it was kind of dumb, like he was being watched by a paranoid parent. He knew it couldn’t be helped though. As long as he saw Hanji during the day and kept in contact, they wouldn’t grow suspicious. But it was starting to take its toll on him, and he was leaving more and more, only staying in the apartment when he knew they wouldn’t be home, or simply only coming home to sleep.

He flopped down on the couch and turned on the TV. Trying to distract himself, he flipped through the channels, but the bags of dope burned in his pocket. He was already high, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be higher.

Without thinking he pulled out the tight bundle of tiny blue wax paper bags. This time, the stamp read “DEATH WISH,” and he couldn’t help but laugh. He’d seen a lot of different stamps, sometimes they were silly, mocking some high fashion designer logo, or sometimes they were cheesy, like some 80s metal album title. And then there were ones like these. “Death Wish.” A reminder.

It had been a week since Levi had talked to Erwin. It had been a week, but he didn’t know it. The past seven days had been a blur. A mix of memories ill fitted together. He was using more than usual, and all of his motivation was put into getting more drugs. He couldn’t remember how he ended up from one place to the next, his body was moving on autopilot. It was amazing he even managed to make it home most nights, which he was assuming he did anyway. Maybe that was why Hanji was on his case more than usual. He knew it was only a matter of time before they got fed up with him too.

He stared at the bags in his hand some more. He knew he should wait. He should hold off and save them for when he really needed them. But the more he held them in his palm, the more it felt like he could feel their effects already seeping through the bags and into his skin. Suddenly, “Death Wish,” didn’t sound so bad.

Before he could stop himself he was moving to his room, falling to the floor, and tearing open the vent beside his bed. He cleaned his works, recalling how earlier in the afternoon he had used the needles to shoot up in a gas station bathroom, due to being too impatient to wait to get home. When he shot up outside of his home, he usually carried a small bottle of hand sanitizer with him, so he still was able to keep clean, but it wasn’t up to his standards. Cringing at the memory, he took extra time to wipe down his arms with the alcohol twice, and let the needles sit in the bleach for two minutes longer than usual.

“Death Wish,” was sucked into the syringe, and Levi smiled to himself as he shoved the over used needle into his arm.

 

“Levi?”

When he woke up (and he hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep,) it was to Hanji looming over him from behind and shaking his shoulder. He was in the same spot as earlier, slumped on the floor next to his bed, his head falling forward as he dipped in and out of consciousness.

“Levi, wake up. Are you ok?” They persistently continued to shake him. His head fell back and his eyes crossed as he forced them opened. They were heavy, along with the rest of his body. His arms were like weights on his sides, and his legs felt numb underneath him, like he was floating on a cloud. A pleasant humming rang through his body. Hanji’s grip barely registered on his skin, like there was a layer of padding in between them.

“What?” His brain was still hazy, feeling thick and heavy in his skull like the rest of his body. He must have dipped out right after taking his shot. When he was able to blink his eyes open and hold his head up he saw everything was still lying out in front of him. The belt was still tied loosely around his arm, the needle was left forgotten on the floor, crusty with dried blood, and the bags of dope sat out in the open.

“Levi, what is all this?” Their hand was still on his shoulder as they stood over him, and he quickly jerked away, fighting to sober himself. He hunched forward, as if to block his shame from their view, even though he already knew it was too late.

“It’s nothing.” He said, scrambling to pick up what he could.

He refused to look at them, even when their hands returned to his shoulders and pulled him backwards. He forgot how strong Hanji was, and he cursed as he was pulled flat on his ass.

“Fuck! Get off me!” He yelled, jerking his way out of their grasp again. Hanji didn’t fight him, and let him pull himself away. He scrambled to his feet, but not before grabbing his dope and two of his needles.

Hanji looked at him helplessly as he stood and shoved the items into his pockets. The belt had fallen off his arm, and he bent to pick it up before putting it back on around his waist. “It’s nothing.” He repeated for no reason, feeling embarrassed that he had been caught red handed. How could he have been so stupid? And now Hanji was staring at him wide eyed like some betrayed puppy.

“Levi…” Hanji had their hands held up in a sign of surrender, attempting to show they weren’t trying to attack him. “You’re still using?”

Levi kept his mouth shut, choosing to not answer, and having no way to answer even if he wanted to. There was no point in making up excuses now. He quickly found his hoodie and threw it on over his head.

“Levi, please –” Hanji tried again, seeking some kind of response from him.

“No,” Levi cut them off harshly. He continued to move, pushing past them to head out the room, and trying to make a swift exit.

Hanji followed, their confused voice calling out to him. “Levi, how did this happen? You were doing so well! You were going to the NA meetings and looking for work and now –”

Levi paused in front of the door, his hand resting on the knob before he turned to look at them from over his shoulder. He saw the look of disappointment in their eyes, and then waited as he watched that shift to disbelief, and then the sudden realization that they had been lied to.

“This whole time?” They finally asked.

Levi said nothing, not because he didn’t think Hanji was owed an explanation, but because he couldn’t think of one. There was nothing to be said.

“How – why?” They continued to sputter in disbelief.

“Stop,” Levi spat, finally feeling angry. Because he didn’t know. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did fucking around and getting high for fun turn into this? He didn’t even remember when it started. When the pains grew worse and closer together, when the need grew stronger, when the desire to get high outweighed every moral he had ever stood by. And now it was too late.

Eventually, he sighed. “You just don’t get it.” Opening the door, he left with a confused Hanji standing helplessly behind him.

It wasn’t until he walked five blocks and smoked three cigarettes that he realized he had nowhere to go.

His exchange with Hanji had only slightly sobered him up, so he was still in a relatively decent mood. Part of him wanted to get higher, just to ease his thoughts a little, but he figured before he did that he should try and find out what he was doing for the night. At least before he got so high he couldn’t think straight.

Without any other options he decided to call Erwin. He didn’t have any other friends or family left who would give him the time of day, and he still hadn’t completely burned the bridge between him and Erwin. All he had to do was apologize about freaking out for no reason. Since there was still no evidence to prove Levi was an addict he hoped Erwin would accept. Plus, in his experience people usually would give you at least two or three chances before they got fed up with hearing ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I’ve changed,’ over and over.

He lit another cigarette, groaning slightly at seeing he only had four left, before calling Erwin. It rang for a while, and Levi almost thought he wouldn’t answer, but then finally he did.

“Levi?” He asked, sounding a little surprised, and slightly distracted.

“Yeah,” Levi cleared his throat, trying to get rid of some of the grogginess in his voice. “Hey, uh, I wanted to say sorry…about freaking out for no reason.”

Erwin took a moment to respond. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have accused you of anything without proper evidence. I apologize for that.”

“No, I understand.” Levi waited before continuing, feeling bad because Erwin sounded so sincere. He let out a forced huff of laughter. “Also, there’s something else…”

“Yes?” Erwin encouraged him to continue.

Levi swallowed all his pride and decided to be straightforward. “Me and my roommate kind of got into an argument, so I was wondering if I could sleep at your place. Just for the night, or whatever.”

He heard Erwin laugh dryly over the phone. “So, that’s the real reason you’re apologizing?”

Levi shrugged, taking a harsh drag on his cig. “Just some extra incentive, yeah.”

“Ok. Sure. I wanted to talk to you about something else anyway.” Erwin answered. Levi felt relieved knowing he’d be sleeping inside tonight, but knowing Erwin wanted to ‘talk’ to him made him uneasy for another reason. “I’m getting ready to leave the hospital now. Do you want to meet me at my place in about an hour?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” That gave Levi just enough time for him to do what he wanted to do.

“Great. See you soon.”

Since Levi had absolutely no money on him, he was forced to walk. He’d probably be a little late to Erwin’s, but that was ok, because before heading over there he wanted to make a quick stop. He traded four bags of dope for a small knob of coke, just to be on the safe side. With coke he could even out his high. If he ended up dipping out too much at Erwin’s all he had to do was some coke to wake him up. And, if his pupils were too pinned, the coke would widen them, making him look normal. Levi wasn’t a huge fan of coke, but he had to be extra careful now that Erwin was on to him. Usually, if he were at home, he would shoot the coke. The high from shooting it was much nicer than the high from snorting it, and Levi could never understand why that seemed to be the preferred way of doing it. Unfortunately, he was on the go, and in order to keep clean he settled for simply snorting it. He did it in a McDonalds bathroom about a block away from Erwin’s, and sniffed constantly the rest of the way there to make sure he’d gotten the full drip down his throat. The last thing he wanted was to be sniffing every five seconds in front of Erwin.

“Levi.” Erwin had the door opened for him, and when he entered he was greeted by the man standing behind the kitchen counter. He was still wearing his blue scrubs. “How have you been? Other than the argument with your roommate.”

Levi approached the counter and leaned against it, shrugging. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel that odd seeing him after not talking for a week. “Fine. How was work? You’re not covered in blood, so I’m assuming it was ok.”

“It was a slow day.” Erwin chuckled, but then got serious. “So, what happened with your roommate anyway?”

Levi scratched at the back of his head, kicking himself for not thinking to come prepared with an excuse. “I got fired from my job. Won't be able to help pay with the rent, so they wanted me out.” He mumbled.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Where did you work?” He laughed a little again. “I can’t believe I’ve never asked you about your job before."

“Yeah, well,” Levi sighed, buying himself some time. “I was bound to get fired anyway. Cause, you know, my car. I worked as a caretaker at an old folks home. The hours were kinda weird. It was hard to get there without my own ride.”

“That’s right, I forgot about that. That’s a shame.” Erwin nodded sympathetically, and then smiled. “No offense, but I’m surprised to hear you were a caretaker. Guess we have more in common than I thought.”

Levi snorted. “The only people I worked with were so far gone they couldn’t even talk. There wasn’t much caring going on. I mostly just cleaned.”

It was true that Levi had once worked at a home. It was a private practice that held only about five patients, ran by his aunt. She offered him the job in an effort to help him get on his feet. It was an easy job, although a little depressing. None of the patients there could care for themselves. They couldn’t talk, they couldn’t feed themselves, and they couldn’t even go to the bathroom by themselves. Levi’s job was mostly just to clean, clean the rooms, change the bed sheets, things like that. He got fired when he was caught stealing medication.

That was years ago though, about seven years to be exact, in his twenties, but Erwin didn’t need to know that. Levi didn’t even like to think about how long it had been, because it was weird to think about how long he had been using. It started in high school, but didn’t start to get serious until his early twenties. At first he just got high on the weekends for fun, and at some point it changed from being only a weekend thing to being an everyday thing. The real problems didn’t start until he started using a needle, which was about three years ago.

It was sort of ironic that Erwin found them to be similar. Erwin was a doctor who actually took care of people, probably saved a couple peoples’ lives too. Levi just cleaned some old person’s shit when he was twenty-three for about a month in exchange for some free drugs. They were nothing short of polar opposites.

“Important jobs are not always the most glamorous ones. It seems unfair you had to get fired though. Maybe I can find someone at the hospital looking for a caretaker, and that way you can talk to your roommate again.” He paused. “Of course, you are still welcome here.”

“Yeah,” Levi drawled, feeling a little put off by the conversation. He reached a hand out to graze his fingertips on Erwin’s wrist, trailing lightly up his arm in a not-so-subtle hint. “I’m bored. Let’s do something.”

“Actually.” Erwin pulled his arm out of Levi’s reach and walked around the counter, so he was standing directly in front of him. “There is still something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” Levi answered, keeping his voice steady even though he was nervous. He looked Erwin in the eye, praying he didn’t look too high. A million scenarios of Erwin calling him out ran through his head.

Erwin sighed before continuing, looking at Levi very seriously. “I wanted to say I’m sorry again. I suppose I was worried because I like you. I want to define this – thing – we have as something more serious. And I want to trust you in order to do that.”

Levi was a little shocked to hear what Erwin was saying. The last thing he expected was for Erwin to tell him he liked him, not just as a person to fuck, but as a person to be in a ‘serious’ relationship with. He was at a loss for words, and struggled to think of what to say in response. “I –”

Erwin saved him the trouble by cutting him off, and placed a hand on his arm. “I want keep seeing you, so I’m willing to trust you, and I’m hoping you feel the same way, and feel like you can trust me as well.”

He kept using that word. The ‘T’ word. Trust. And Levi hated it. He had heard it too many times in a negative sense. Being thrown in his face as something he had taken away from them, or something he could never earn. He had run out of trust years ago, on both the giving and receiving end.

Still, he couldn’t turn Erwin away. Not just because he had nowhere else to stay that night, not just because Erwin’s hand was warm and gentle on his arm, and not just because his eyes were kind as he looked at him expectantly, but because he wanted him too. It was hopeless, and he knew it was hopeless because he was nothing but a lying piece of shit, but he wanted to be selfish for a little while longer.  
“Yeah,” he finally answered, giving Erwin a small smile. “That sounds good.”

That night, instead of the usual quick, half-clothed, fucking session that had become like a routine for them, they took it slow. It was dark in Erwin’s bedroom, and Levi allowed himself to be undressed completely. He kept his arms wrapped around Erwin’s neck to hide his scars, pulling him close so the other man’s breath was hot against his throat. Erwin opened him up wide and fucked him leisurely, with deliberate long sluggish rolls of his hips that left Levi aching in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Even with his high fading, the fuck had left Levi feeling tired enough that he was able to fall asleep easily. He regretted it in the morning though, when he woke up in more pain than usual. At first, when he shifted awake he forgot where he was. Erwin’s bed was larger than he was used to, and even though it was softer than his own, in his current state he couldn’t appreciate it. The puffy cushioning on his back and thighs felt like needles digging into his skin as he stirred into consciousness.

He groaned as he forced himself to sit up, the bed sheets sliding off his bare skin. Rubbing his hands over his face he looked down at Erwin to make sure he was still sleeping. The clock next to the nightstand by the blonde’s head read seven am, and Levi groaned again at the realization of being up so early. That’s what he got for not getting high before going to bed. The drugs had worn off in his sleep, and his withdrawal was already reminding him of its presence with a stern pounding inside his head, and fire in every joint of his body. Seeing Erwin resting so soundly next to him almost made him want to give him a kick to the head, so the smug sleeping bastard could see what it felt like. Levi couldn’t remember sleeping like that without the help of drugs in years.

Pulling himself out of bed, he grabbed his clothes and headed into the bathroom. Locking the door, and turning on the shower, he dug his things out of his pockets and laid them on the sink counter. To his disdain he realized in his rush to leave Hanji’s he didn’t bring any of his cleaning supplies, not even the tiny bottle of hand sanitizer. He looked around Erwin’s bathroom to try and find a substitute, something other than plain old soap. Soap wouldn’t really do the trick, and it really wasn’t good for the needle. The only thing that seemed like it might be a good idea was the mouthwash. Unfortunately, Erwin got the kind with no alcohol, so Levi decided against it. Starting to get impatient, he settled on just forgetting it. He had just cleaned his needles right before leaving Hanji’s, and hadn’t used them yet, so he figured it would be fine.

He didn’t bring his spoon with him either, so he had to mix the dope in the cap of the mouthwash bottle, after cleaning it of course. The tiny room was already beginning to steam from the shower by the time he was finished mixing. Hurriedly, he sucked the concoction up into one of his needles and took a seat on the toilet with belt in hand. Holding the needle in his mouth, he tied to belt tight around his left arm, and then rubbed at the scarred skin of his elbow as he waited for the vein to come to the surface.

Taking the needle, he poked it into his skin, digging it into the usual, worn, spot of his elbow. He had done it so many times he was well practiced, and it typically would only take a second or two before he found and punctured the vein. This time, it was taking a little bit longer, and he clenched his jaw as he tried and failed to find it.

“I know you’re right fucking there,” he grumbled, pulling the needle out and sticking it in again, then shifting it around. He fished around for the vein with the needle still under his skin, pulling out and plunging deeper, desperately seeking. Little puffs of blood floated into the syringe, but not in the usual quick bloom of the free flowing stream he wanted. Blood still got into the needle, but not from the vein like he needed.

His veins were old and abused, worn from years of mistreatment, and sometimes this happened. Sometimes they rejected him, even when he knew his body so well, knew the vein was right there, it wouldn’t give him what he wanted.

“Fuck me,” he cursed, finally giving up and shifting to his other arm. He tugged off the belt and tied it on his right arm, and then tried to shoot up there.

“Come on, please,” he begged, starting to get anxious. His withdrawal was already making him feel shaky and desperate, and now his veins were acting up. It didn’t help that withdrawal often caused them to shy, sink further into his body and make them harder to hit. He kept fishing in his arm, pulling the needle out every so often just to stick it back in again. Blood would pool at the pinprick wound every time he did, and soon a steady flow ran down his arm.

He paid no attention to it though, and continued to try and hit a vein. His hands shook, and tears began to prick at the back of his eyes as he struggled to overcome his panic.

“Please, you’re right there, please…” he whispered through clenched teeth around the belt. Blood dripped into the needle, but still refused to flow.

He had been at it for so long that he had pulled back on his plunger too far, pulling back further every time the needle reentered his skin. Removing it from his arm, he held it in front of his face and flicked it to get out the air bubbles. Then, he pushed the plunger up, trying to get it back to it’s starting position with only enough room for the dark mixture. Except it wouldn’t budge.

“Oh God no,” Levi hissed, pushing on the plunger with more force than should be needed, and it still didn’t move. “Don’t fucking do this to me right now!”

The blood that had leaked into the syringe had hardened and clogged the needle, making it impossible to use. He knew this was going to happen, he knew once the tiny bits of blood had gotten into the syringe he would have to use it quickly before this happened. But he wasn’t quick enough.

“Fuckin’ God damn it!” Levi barked, forgetting that he needed to be quiet, and threw the syringe across the room. Two bags of dope wasted, all because he couldn’t find a vein in time.

He ran his hands over his face before getting up and moving to the sink. He still had one more needle, and he still had plenty of dope left, so he wasn’t completely screwed. Moving as fast as he could he mixed some more dope. Once finished he quickly grabbed the other needle. His hands were shaking so much, that when he ripped off the cap, the needle fell from his grasp.

“Shit,” he cursed, crouching down to grab it. “You’re the last one I got, please don’t be dirty.” He mumbled to the needle, but as he turned it over in his hand he could tell the worst had happened. The inch long hollow needle was bent at an odd angle, signifying that it had come in contact with the floor.

“No,” Levi practically sobbed. “You’ve got to be kidding me. What am I supposed to do now?”

He hadn’t realized that his voice had gotten louder, and he hadn’t realized tears of frustration had started streaming down his face. His stayed hunched on the floor, sobbing over the needle in front of him. He just needed to get high. His body ached, he had broken out in a cold sweat, and he was shaking uncontrollably.

“Why now?” He croaked. It was getting harder for him to breathe as panic began to set it. “Oh God, please…just…”

It took him a moment to register the knocking on the door over the hiss of the shower, but by then it was too late for him to care.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, banging on the door louder now.

“No, f-fuck you!” Levi yelled with a shuddering breath, all the sounds around him encouraging his own voice to get louder. He wasn’t yelling at Erwin though. He continued to direct his hate towards the bent, dirty needle on the ground.

“Levi, I’m coming in,” Erwin said after jiggling the doorknob for a few minutes. Levi heard three loud thuds before Erwin was bursting through, breaking the lock, but not the door, and standing right in front of him. “Levi, what?”

Levi was still on the ground, shaking, naked, and sobbing. His hair was damp from sweat and steam from the shower, his face red, and he looked up at Erwin with desperate, pleading eyes.

“It’s ruined,” was all he said, his breath hitching as he spoke.

“What?” Erwin looked around the room, saw the bags of dope on the counter, the needle sitting between Levi’s legs, and the belt hanging loosely off his arm.

Levi picked up the needle and showed it to Erwin. “It’s fucking ruined. It’s dirty! What am I – what am I gonna do?” He yelled. His body shook the louder his voice got, and he hunched forward further, collapsing in on himself.

Erwin sank to the floor in front of him, slowly taking in the situation. He put his hands on Levi’s shoulders, and gently glided them down his arms. Cooing softly, he tried to calm him down.

“Levi, it’s ok. What is all this?”

Levi pushed him away, scratching harshly at his skin. “Fuck you! It’s not ok! Don’t you get it, you fucking moron?!”

Erwin simply watched as Levi fumed in front of him, throwing the needle again and screaming. “What am I supposed to do now? I’m gonna be sick! It’s not gonna be fucking ok!”

“Levi,” Erwin grabbed his arms again, pinning them to Levi’s own body to keep him from lashing out. “It’ll be ok. I’ll help you.”

“Fuck you, asshole! You don’t know shit!” Levi struggled against his grip, and kicked widely when Erwin picked him up. He continued to fight as Erwin carried him out of the bathroom, his currently weak body squirming and wriggling against Erwin’s strong arms. “Let go of me!”

Erwin dropped him onto the bed, but kept a hold of his arms. He frowned when he saw the marks on Levi’s skin. “Levi, these look infected.”

“No they’re not,” Levi spat back. “I’m always clean. I’m always fucking clean. I’m careful.”

Erwin looked at his face, saw the desperation there beneath the anger, and sighed. “How long?”

“No,” Levi let out a sick laugh. “I’m not doing this right now. I’m not fucking doing this right now. If I don’t get high soon I’m gonna be fucking sick. I’m not having you lecture me right now. Fuck you.”

Levi spoke fast, and panicky. His body was still shaking, and his skin was damp and hot to the touch. Erwin knew what withdrawal looked like, and he could tell Levi was more dependent than he originally thought. He understood that someone who was as dependent as Levi could die from withdrawal, so he let him go and stood up.

“Don’t move,” he said, and went into the bathroom. When he came back, Levi was resting against the headboard, shivering. “Are you cold?”

Levi just glared at him, and then sneered when he noticed the bags of dope and the needles in Erwin’s hands. “What are you gonna do? Rub it in my face how you were right? Fine, go the fuck ahead.”

“I’ll get you something to wear.” Erwin ignored Levi’s comment, placed Levi’s things on the nightstand, and moved to his closet. He pulled out a zip up hoodie, and after encouraging Levi to sit forward; he draped it over his shoulders.

“Well?” Levi asked, hissing in his face, but still tugging the sweater closer to him. His body felt hot and cold all at once. He shivered the more he sweat.

“How long have you been using these needles?” Erwin asked, picking up the one that was bent as he sat on the edge of the bed next to Levi.

Levi’s teeth chattered. “Can’t remember.”

“It doesn’t matter how careful you are if you are reusing old needles.” Erwin said, placing it back down. “Have you ever shared needles before?”

“Fuck no,” Levi answered. “We always used condoms anyway. You have nothing to worry about. Plus, I know I’m clean.”

“I wasn’t asking for my sake.” Erwin responded solemnly.

“Whatever. I don’t fucking care.” Levi shrugged the hoodie off, and reached for the needle with a shaky hand. “Are you just going to fucking look at me like I’m a circus freak, or are you going to help me?”

Erwin reached to stop his hand. “Levi, you can’t use that.”

“The fuck I can,” Levi spat back. “What else am I gonna do? What the fuck do you think this is?”

“Levi, I understand, but –”

“No, you fucking don’t!” Levi yelled, his voice rising once again. He held his hand holding the needle out of Erwin’s reach, and stared at him like he was daring him to try and take it. “You think this is some walk in the park? You think I do this shit for fucking fun? You don’t fucking get it! Shut the fuck up and let me do this!”

Levi had stopped getting high for fun years ago. Now he just did it out of fear. Fear of what would happen when he didn’t get his fix. There was nothing more horrifying than withdrawal. The way it crippled you, first overtaking your body with pain, and then attacked your mind. If the physical pain wasn’t enough for you to wish for death, the emotional pain would be. It was ironic. Most people did drugs to avoid their depression, but Levi knew that they hadn’t truly felt depression until they felt the kind of depression stemmed from withdrawal. It was like it knew. It knew exactly what to do to make you do anything and everything in order to get that next high. It made you do things you never would have considered doing before. Levi never was a thief, he never was a liar, he never wanted to hurt the people he loved. But he did. Before this, he never even was the type of person to yell, always being cool, calm, and collected even while angry, almost eerily so. But while going through even just the early effects of withdrawal all he could was scream, yell, and lash out at anyone who was near him. Even Erwin, who was only trying to help. He couldn’t help it. The fear of it getting worse was making him panic. It was quickly sinking in that if he didn’t get anything in him soon he would snap. He was afraid.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Erwin sighed. “Just let me go to the hospital. I can get you clean ones. You can’t keep using those. You already have abscesses, and probably an infection. It’ll only get worse.”

Levi looked at him surprised for a moment. He knew Erwin was a doctor, but the last thing he expected was for him to offer any help. “You’re crazy if you think I can wait that long.”

Levi’s body was already stiff. His joints ached in a way that made every movement painful. His stomach hurt, and his head was feeling dizzy. He didn’t want to wait, and he couldn’t wait.

“Why don’t you snort it?” Erwin asked, gesturing to the bags spread out on the nightstand.

Levi scoffed. “I’d sooner shove it up my ass before doing that.”

“Ok, let’s do that.” Erwin said and stood, making his way to the bathroom.

“What?” Levi stared at his back as he disappeared behind the door. After a couple of moments he returned with something in his hands.

“You don’t want to snort it because you won't get high right?” Erwin asked, taking his seat back down next to him. “The solubility of heroin is only about sixty percent when snorted, in comparison to the one hundred percent of injecting it.”

“Yeah, don’t you think I know that?” Levi grumbled. “If I wanted to feel anything I’d have to snort all those bags at once. I’m not wasting them like that.”

“Right,” Erwin continued. “Well, the solubility of taking it rectally is about ninety percent.”

“You’re talking about plugging?” Levi gaped at him. He had heard about this before, although it was never anything he had tried himself. It was pretty common in the underground gay community, usually with crystal meth. Gay guys would stuff their asses with crystal, get high, and fuck for hours. Even though Levi was gay, he was never into the meth scene, and plugging wasn’t as common with any other drug. When he started doing heroin he had jumped right from snorting to shooting, like most people, so plugging never even crossed his mind. “How do you know about that?”

“It’s the same as any other drug really. Plus, you see a lot of things at the hospital,” Erwin chuckled dryly. “Have you done it before?”

“No,” Levi shook his head. “Always sounded dirty.”

Erwin simply hummed in response, and put the objects he had been holding onto the nightstand. One was the cap Levi was mixing his shit in earlier, and another was something that looked similar to a syringe.

“It’s an oral syringe,” Erwin explained. He picked it up and dipped it into the cap. It was shorter than a typical syringe, and it didn’t have the metal point. Instead it was thicker, with a wide opening. “I have it from when I was babysitting my niece, and she got sick.” He laughed a little at the memory as he sucked up with mixture.

“You with kids.” Levi huffed. “Why doesn’t that image surprise me?”

“Don’t give me too much credit. I’m terrible with kids. I was wreck when she got sick. All she had was a runny nose, but I thought my sister was going to kill me.” Erwin put the thing down, and then turned to Levi. “Lay down on your stomach.”

Levi listened, doing so with a wince. Even though his body was still in pain, he had relaxed knowing that he was still going to get high. It also helped that Erwin was staying so calm. It was weird to think that Erwin, the man he had been lying to, and trying to keep secrets from this whole time, was helping him get his fix. He thought for sure Erwin would hate him. Maybe he did, but the doctor in him wasn’t going to kick him out until he got help. Maybe after this he would yell at him, tell him he was a shit person, and that once he wasn’t sick anymore he could leave. Levi didn’t know what to expect anymore.

Erwin placed a hand on Levi’s thigh, and guided him into spreading them slightly. He had taken the lube out of the nightstand, and put some on his finger, and some on the oral syringe, although the thing was so small it wasn’t really necessary. With a wet finger he traced over Levi’s hole, massaging gently.

“Don’t have too much fun back there,” Levi grunted. “Just do it.”

“Sorry,” Erwin mumbled, smiling a little even though Levi couldn’t see.

The oral syringe was probably no bigger than the width of his pinky finger, and it slipped inside him easily. He felt it as the liquid mixture was pushed inside him, and wrinkled his nose at the feeling.

“You should stay lying like that for about fifteen minutes,” Erwin said once he had removed the thing. “How much did you put in there?”

Levi shrugged. “Two bags.”

“That’s how much you usually do?”

“Yeah.” Levi squirmed in his spot, already feeling disappointed. Doing it this way didn’t give him any kind of rush, and he craved that feeling badly.

“Then that should be enough to keep you from getting sick. Just try and stay still.”

“Yeah, ok,” Levi grumbled. He wrapped his arms around a pillow and propped his head up, trying to get comfortable. Slowly, he began to feel his body warming up. A pleasant hum washed through his body, gradually soothing his aches.

“Since I have you here,” Erwin started speaking, after Levi had almost forgotten his presence perched on the edge of the bed next to him. “We should talk.”

Levi groaned, and shifted his head so it was facing the opposite direction. “Don’t worry. I’ll leave once this shit kicks in.”

“If you want to, you can. But that wasn’t what I was talking about.”

He turned his head back and peaked an eye open to glare up at him in speculation. “You aren’t going to kick me out? Spit in my face? Call me trash? Nothing?”

Erwin made a face like he was thinking and hummed. “No. At least not until we talk.”

Levi supposed it could be worse. “What time is it?”

“About eight.”

He closed his eyes with a sigh; his body was finally starting to feel numb and heavy. He was finally starting to feel normal. Blindly, he reached a hand up to tug on Erwin’s shirt. “Too early. Let’s talk after a nap.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More about Erwin in the next chapter, so I hope you guys stick around for that. Btw, I don't plan on this fic being terribly long...maybe 2 more chapters? Not sure. Anyway, please leave kudous and comments if you would like, and thanks again!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Super super sorry it took me so long to update. I'm a huge butt. Thank you to everyone who waited patiently and thank you for all the kudos and comments, it means a lot!! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

When Levi woke up, he was alone. His body felt less sore than earlier, but the low dose was already starting to wear off, and he groaned as he shifted on the bed. The clock on the nightstand read eleven thirty, but the clock wasn’t what Levi was focused on. His dope was still there, messily sprawled on the wood surface, along with the cap from earlier. A fresh cup of water stood alongside the items, and, most interestingly, a brand new clean needle.

Levi immediately sat up and reached for it, grabbing it and turning it over in his hand. The shiny plastic of it had almost surprised him. He was careful to keep his own needles clean, but after a few uses they began to wear. The numbers on the side would rub off, and the bright orange color of the cap would fade. He hadn’t realized how long it had been since he had gotten a new needle until this one was in his hand. It was the same kind he usually got, a single use disposable hypodermic needle with the same bright orange cap that held 100cc units of liquid. He looked around, searching for any sign of Erwin. The bathroom door was open, so he could see that Erwin was not in the there, while the door to the bedroom remained shut. Levi wasn’t interested in investigating any further, and had no desire to question the mysterious fresh needle in his hand either.

Plugging didn’t give him a good enough high, and while it have staved off his sickness for a short period of time, he was already itching for more. Eagerly he began to mix two more bags into the cap, using the cup of water, which he supposed Erwin had intended for him to drink, to dilute it. The needle was filled and the belt was already around his arm by the time Erwin entered the room.

“Ah, you’re up.” He said, slowly approaching the bed and eying Levi carefully.

The belt Levi had been keeping tight between his teeth fell from his mouth as he returned Erwin’s careful gaze, unsure of how the other man would react upon seeing him preparing to shoot up. “Yeah…”

“I had to go to work, but I decided to let you sleep.” Levi noted Erwin was in his blue scrubs. “I came home for lunch. Brought you that.” He gestured to the syringe. “I have to go back soon though.”

Levi looked down at the needle still held tightly in his fist, itching to dig it into his skin. “...Why?”

Erwin sighed, walking the rest of the way to the bed and sitting next to him. For some reason Levi couldn’t help but flinch, like he feared Erwin would suddenly drop the nice act and lash out at him.

He flinched harder when Erwin reached out his hand. Erwin said nothing, and simply held his hand out further with an open palm, silently asking.

“What?” Levi asked, feeling suspicious.

“Let me.”

Levi eyed him coldly for a moment, before hesitantly handing over the needle. 

Erwin took it, and then gently grabbed Levi’s arm. Levi saw the muscles in his jaw clench as he looked over his track marks.

“You can’t use these veins anymore. You’re damaging yourself more than you think.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “What do you suggest then, Doctor?” Spitting the title mockingly.

Erwin was unfazed by the comment. “How often do you rotate sites?”

“Only between these two arms. Never could do it anywhere else.” Levi answered, frowning as he looked down at his own scars. It was clear he favored his left arm, but both of them had trails of marks spreading from the elbows. Usually, if he had to, he traveled further up his arm, towards his armpits, rather than lower, in his forearms. They always tell you it’s safer if you rotate the areas where you shoot up, but Levi never could hit anywhere but the four main veins in his arms. It was unhealthy, he knew it, but he continued to abuse them over and over again.

Erwin hummed in response, turning his arm over in his hand, his fingertips gripping Levi delicately, like he could break. “I’m going to inject it in your hand.”

Levi hid his concern. Of course people shot up in the hands and their feet, and even other places, but Levi could never do it himself. It was harder. The veins were smaller, and they didn’t stay still, rolling under the skin upon being touched. He always avoided it, especially because if you messed up the scars and the pain would be worse than in the arms. Although, he figured Erwin knew what he was doing, since he was a doctor, so he said nothing. He still hadn’t even fully registered that Erwin, an actual doctor, was still willing to help him. 

Erwin guided him into moving the belt lower on his arm, to tie it around his forearm, under his elbow. Then, he rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand, under Levi’s thumb, and Levi watched his face as he concentrated on finding a vein.

“You have very deep veins,” he muttered under his breath after a moment with a little laugh. “Like a woman.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Levi spat.

Erwin laughed louder. “Nothing. Just that usually women’s veins are smaller and deeper, while men tend to have larger veins that are more on the surface.”

Levi said nothing, since he didn’t know how to respond. He supposed that explained why he always had trouble hitting anywhere other than in his arms.

“You’re pale though, so it’s easy to see them through your skin.” Erwin finished, holding a section of Levi’s skin flat between his thumb and forefinger, and then finally bringing the needle to his skin. 

“Here we go.”

Levi tore his eyes away from Erwin for the first time to watch as the point entered, as Erwin drew back on the plunger and pulled a bloom of blood with it, and then pushed down. 

“Oh, fuck yes,” Levi let out a heavy sigh, immediately pulling the belt off his arm to get the full blood flow. Without thinking he let his head fall back as the rush drove through him. It had only been a few hours, but to Levi it felt like he hadn’t had that feeling in days. He couldn’t help it as the silent gasp fell from his lips. As Erwin watched he couldn’t help but notice how orgasmic it seemed, the look on Levi’s face almost obscene, no different than the look he had seen many times in bed.

“That’s what I needed.” Levi breathed, pulling his head back up and sending Erwin a smile. “Thanks.”

He leaned into Erwin’s side, the drug filling his body and making his insides warm and his inhibitions loose. Settling into Erwin, he rested his head on his shoulder and put his hand on his thigh. Erwin said nothing, and leaned over him to put the needle on the nightstand. Levi itched to clean it, get to it before the blood in it could dry and ruin it, but the rush had him feeling content, and he was able to ignore it in favor of Erwin’s warmth.

Erwin didn’t return any affection, but that only made Levi push into him further, nuzzling his head into his shoulder and lifting his hand to his chest. He wanted to smoke a cig, feel its effects on him as the rush from the dope still pulsed through his body, but Erwin’s body felt just as good.

He laughed when Erwin remained silent, and turned his head to press his lips against his sleeve. “Hey, want me to do you?”

“What?” Erwin finally spoke, a sense of exasperation in his voice, which only made Levi chuckle more.

“Yeah,” he said, lifting his head up along with his arms to wrap around Erwin’s neck. “What? Never got high before?”

“Levi,” Erwin turned his head when Levi tried to kiss him.

“Ah, come on.” He laughed again, pulling him closer and shifting a leg to drape over Erwin’s thigh. “You never took any drugs from the hospital? Kept them for yourself? You know you looked kinda good holding that needle. Like a evil villain...kinda hot.”

At that comment Erwin stood, ripping himself from Levi and moving to gather the contents on the nightstand.

“How long will that last you?” He asked flatly.

“A few hours.” Levi answered, lazily falling back on the bed, unaffected by Erwin’s rejection. “It’s noon, so usually I’d do another shot at about four or something. Three if I’m greedy.”

“I’m throwing this out.” Erwin raised the needle in his hand, and then gestured to the bags on the table. “These I’m going to hide. You can have more when I get home later.”

“What?” Levi barked in surprise, sitting up quickly. He glared up at Erwin as he waited for a response.

Erwin looked down at him sternly. “You have no where else to go, right? Do you want to be homeless? Or would you rather me check you into rehab?”

Levi immediately shook his head. “I’m not going to any fucking rehab place, no way, not again.”

“Fine.” If Erwin had any questions about it, he didn’t ask them. “I’ll let you sleep here, I’ll let you live here, but on my conditions. You’re going to get clean.”

Levi felt like a dog being scolded as Erwin loomed over him, twice as tall with Levi sitting and him standing. Levi had no intentions of getting clean. He didn’t want to get clean. But he also didn’t want to sleep outside like an actual dog, so instead he just nodded, defeated. “Ok. I’ll get clean.”

Erwin left after that, leaving Levi alone in his apartment with no drugs and nothing to occupy his time. Levi knew he could leave, and he’d be tempted to if it wasn’t for the fact that he still had about ten bags of dope hidden somewhere in the apartment. Erwin said he’d be home before dinner time, around five thirty, and if he was just a few minutes late Levi wouldn’t hesitate to rip the place apart to find the bags himself. He still didn’t really understand why Erwin wanted to help him, even though he didn’t really want the help, but Levi figured he wouldn’t fight it for now. Right now it meant a place to sleep and food to eat, but the second Erwin actually took his shit away from him he was planning to be out the door.

Levi attempted to keep himself busy with the television, but that only held his attention for a short period of time. He was pretty high and feeling good, so he wanted to do something. He spent about two hours alternating between sitting on the couch watching TV and sitting on windowsill smoking cigarettes (Erwin never said he could smoke in the apartment, but he never said he couldn’t either, and honestly Levi didn’t really care.) After a while he got bored, and eventually started to wander Erwin’s apartment, looking for something to catch his eye. In the corner of the living room he had a relatively large book shelf, that went from floor to ceiling. Only some of the shelves held books, while others held photos and knick-knacks and the like. Levi took a moment to eye some of his photos. There was one of Erwin with some woman, who he assumed to be the sister he mention earlier. She looked just like him, attractive with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and just as tall. Next to that was a picture of a baby, one of those fancy professional baby portraits, set to a blue background to bring out its large blue eyes. He figured that was the niece.

He moved on to look at some of the books lined up on the shelf above his head, barely in his reach. Sliding his fingers along the seams, he tried to find a title that seemed interesting, when he stumbled upon something that popped out at him. He let out a triumphant chuckle when he read the words, Northwood High School Class of 1994, and yanked it off the shelf.

Flopping down on the couch, he began to thumb through the pages. He came upon the graduating class section, and was greeted with a series of photos of students who had won the voting categories. There were the typical things like “Best Car,” “Class Clown,” and “Most Likely to be President,” etc. Levi skipped through them, thinking to himself that he wouldn’t be surprised if Erwin got voted for “Most Likely to Succeed,” or “Best Hair,” or some bullshit like that. 

When he did stumble upon Erwin’s picture he let out a bark of laughter, head falling back and a hand instinctively covering his mouth as he guffawed loudly. Erwin had been voted most likely to be successful, but not in what Levi was thinking.

There Erwin was, the faded photo showing him with his blond hair grown long, pulled back into a tight high ponytail that showed off the shaved underside of his head, and even with it pulled back it still reached past his shoulders. He wore a thick, long, black trench coat, with large buttons keeping it closed tight. Around his neck was a thick metal cross, and tacked in his ear was its miniature partner, dangling close to his shoulder. Levi had to double check the name to make sure it really was him. 

That was definitely his name, right under the title, “Most Likely to be in a Successful Rock Band.” Levi would have almost brushed it off as a mistake if it wasn’t for the fact that, despite the ridiculous get up, it looked undeniably like him. His face was smoother and plumper with youth, but he still had his striking blue eyes and calm stoic expression, which Levi had come to know him for.  
Next to him was another boy, who had long hair just like Erwin’s, but darker, more of a dirty blond, and it wasn’t kept as nice, falling messily over his shoulders and with sloppy layers that covered part of his eyes and face, which was decorated with a light scruffy beard. He wore a heavy looking black leather jacket, dirty and worn, with cracks in the leather that showed the brown color underneath. He couldn’t read the logo on the shirt he was wearing underneath, but it didn’t look like it was meant to be readable anyway. The white letters spread in jagged lines across the black fabric, like tree branches, and Levi couldn’t tell if it really was a word at all. Instead he directed his attention to the caption, and read his name, Mike Zakarius. 

Levi couldn’t help but laugh at the image of them. Erwin looked so damn cheesy, although Levi had to admit he did like the long hair, but the gaudy cross hanging around his neck made him cringe. A little part of him felt nostalgic about his own days in high school. He was too young to be a part of the early 90s goth scene that Erwin had apparently been a huge part of, but he had his moments. His current wardrobe was proof enough of that, considering it mostly consisted of black hoodies and black jeans (he hadn’t grown much since then, so he had no reason to buy new clothes anyway.) It was kind of endearing to see Erwin in a different light. Maybe Erwin was right, and maybe they had more in common than he originally thought. Then again, the Erwin he knew now was so completely different than this Erwin, he was clean cut, professional, but was he really that professional? Someone who was professional wouldn’t be taking needles from the hospital to help some random stranger get high, and they definitely wouldn’t be letting them live in their house.

Levi wasn’t really sure what to think anymore. The more he thought about Erwin and his motives the more he got confused. Instead, he decided to push the thoughts out of his head and just relax. He still had a little while before Erwin got home, and he could already feel the high leaving his body. As he put the yearbook back on its shelf, he realized he probably should call his own high school friend who was no doubt worrying about him. 

Trudging to the bedroom he rumbled through his clothes until he found his phone. It was on its last battery bar, and unsurprisingly there were multiple missed calls and texts from Hanji. He didn’t bother looking at any of the messages, instead hitting the ‘call’ button right away.

“Levi.” They answered breathlessly on the fourth ring.

“Hey, yeah, it’s me.” He held the phone between his ear and shoulder as he walked back into the living room and to the window, lighting up another cig.

“Are you ok?” Levi rolled his eyes, peeved by their worry. This was exactly why he didn’t want them finding out he was still using in the first place.

“I’m fine Hanji. Look, I can’t really talk, my phone is gonna die, I just wanted to tell you I’m fine and not to worry.”

“Levi, where are you? What is happening exactly?” They asked, voice panicky. "Tell me you aren't doing anything crazy."

“Hanji, I told you I’m fine. Just stop worrying about me ok?”

There was a pause for a moment as they sighed. “I can’t help it, Levi. It’s the least I can do. I owe you that much.”

Levi groaned inwardly. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“We’re friends.” They said, and Levi could practically hear the sad forced lopsided smile on their face. “We look out for each other. You looked out for me in high school, and I want to look out for you now.”

“I don’t need looking out for.” Levi spoke quietly, unsure what else to say as he felt another ton of guilt fall onto his shoulders. “I’ll be fine. Just my phone is probably going to die, so don’t freak if I don’t get back to you in a while.”

“Ok Levi.” Hanji gave in. “Just tell me you’re getting help?”

Levi paused, staring at the lit cigarette between his fingers as it burned. The ash grew on its end, like the stack of lies he continued to build higher and higher, just waiting to fall. “Yeah. I am.” 

 

By the time Erwin got home, Levi was sprawled on the couch, stretching out his aching body as it started to itch for his next fix. His conversation with Hanji had put him in a worse mood. The drug’s withdrawal was already beginning to put evil thoughts in his head and the situation was not helping. Hanji had expected so much from him, and he had ruined it all, and even still they had faith in him. They had a pretty long history together, and while neither of them had many friends during high school, they had managed to find each other. It wasn’t until after high school when they had left behind their bullies and Levi started using drugs more heavily that they started to drift apart. Even so Hanji still trusted him, but Levi knew he didn’t deserve their trust. He felt sick every time he was forced to lie to them, and felt even worse when he knew full well that he was doing it, and that he wasn’t going to change anyway. Nothing could change him now, even if he wanted to change. He would always be a low life piece of shit.

The sound of the door opening jolted him out of his thoughts, and despite his aching body he sprung up on the couch to full alertness. Perched from his spot he watched as Erwin lazily walked in, and placed down his things by the door in an agonizingly slow fashion.

Levi waited in silence as Erwin took off his shoes and walked to the couch, flopping down next to him with a heavy sigh. Levi just stared at him, waiting for him to say something or to give him some kind of acknowledgment. Erwin did nothing, just kept his eyes straight ahead, staring blankly at the television; he looked tired.

“Erwin -” Levi started, feeling impatient even though barely a minute had passed. He felt like he had waited long enough, and all he wanted was to get high and forget all his worries from earlier. 

“Just give me a minute, Levi.” Erwin cut him off, already knowing what he wanted.

Levi huffed, the aches in his head and the twist in his stomach already pushing him past the point of being polite. “Come on, man, I need my shit.”

“Do you want to wait longer?” Erwin spoke just as the words finished leaving Levi’s mouth. He kept his head forward, his voice level, but with an edge that made Levi snap his jaw shut.

Levi turned his head away, instinctively pulling his legs up on the couch to hug them close. He felt pathetic, but he couldn’t do anything when Erwin had the upper hand like this. If he pissed him off Erwin could toss him out on the street without his shit at any moment, and Levi couldn’t risk being on his own without anything when his high was already draining. 

He sulked with his chin resting on his knees as they watched TV in silence, until finally Erwin stood. Levi watched his back as he disappeared into the bedroom, and when he came back it was with a little clear carrier bag (like the kind you would put toiletries in when going on a flight) that had all of Levi’s stuff in it. Erwin walked directly past him, instead heading straight for the kitchen, all with Levi’s eyes glued on him as he waited in anticipation.

“Come.” Was all he said, and it had Levi quickly scrambling off the couch and at his heels in a second.

“Sit.” Levi sat at the counter as Erwin pulled out the things he needed from the bag. Levi could see through the clear material that Erwin had put more fresh needles in there, and just the sight of them made his heart beat a little faster. Erwin pulled out one of the needles, two of the bags, a q-tip, and his spoon. He laid them out in front of Levi, and greedily Levi reached out for them the second they hit the marble surface of the counter. 

“Just wait, Levi.” Erwin’s voice froze his movements, and he was forced to wait even longer as Erwin got him a small glass of water. Levi scratched at his arm impatiently, and stared at the bags of dope in front of him. He was only pulled out of his thoughts when Erwin’s hand came into view to grab them himself.

“No, please -” Levi called out without realizing it, stopping Erwin from touching the bags. “Let me.”

It was part of his routine, the mixing and preparing. He had gotten addicted to the preparation as much as he had gotten addicted to the high. There was just something about it that without doing it himself, it just wouldn’t feel complete. 

Erwin regarded him for a moment before nodding, and slid the bags over to him. Levi took them eagerly, and tore open the bags carefully before spilling the contents onto the spoon. Then, he grabbed the glass of water, sucked a small amount into the syringe, and squirted it in to mix with the tan powder, turning it into an inky black color. Seeing the color made him excited, watching as it turned darker, knowing it was good shit, and already anticipating the feeling it would give him. He grabbed the q-tip, but before he could pull off a piece of its cotton, Erwin stopped him.

“Why don’t you ever burn it?”

Levi shrugged. “That’s sort of a myth you only see in movies. People don’t really do that.”

“Is that so?” Erwin hummed, but his tone was flat, like he wasn’t really interested.

“Yeah. It’s not really practical when you’re on the go. Sometimes it’s hard enough to find a metal spoon, so people usually do without.”

“Isn’t it better?”

Levi averted his eyes, tearing off a piece of cotton and rolling it into a ball between his fingers. “Kind of...it burns away some impurities...but it also can burn away some of the drug...so, you get higher when you don’t do it.”

“You have a lighter, don’t you?” Erwin looked down at him in a silent challenge. “Burn it.”

Levi paused, meeting his gaze, before sighing with exasperation and pulling out his lighter. He held it under the spoon, and burned the liquid until it started to bubble just slightly.

“Happy?” He scowled, tossing the lighter onto the counter and plucking the tiny piece of cotton into the now hot liquid. Erwin just hummed in response. 

After Levi filled the syringe, Erwin took it from him, and wordlessly he tugged off his belt before offering his hand to him. Erwin gingerly took it the same way he did earlier, waiting as Levi tied his belt around his forearm, and rubbed a thumb over the injection site. It didn’t take long for Erwin to find a vein, and soon Levi was pulling the belt off his arm and gasping in bliss as the rush shot through him once again.

It was still pulsing through him by the time Erwin had cleaned him up, and he didn’t even notice when the other man had walked around the counter until he was standing right next to him, a hand resting gently at the crook of his neck.

Levi jerked slightly at the contact, his eyes lulling open to look up at him, but then relaxed, too content in his current state to care. Erwin rubbed his thumb at his nape affectionately, and to Levi’s surprise, leaned down to place a kiss on the top of his head.

“You did good today.”

Recoiling, Levi glared up at him. “What am I? Some kind of dog you reward with a treat after performing a trick for you? Fuck off.”

Erwin just chuckled. “Kind of. I left you alone, unattended in my home, you could have raided the place for your drugs, robbed me for what I was worth, and I couldn’t have stopped you. And yet, you didn’t. So, good job.”

Levi grumbled at that, shifting on his stool to turn his back to Erwin the best he could. He hadn’t thought about it like that before. Why didn’t he do that? He could have easily done that. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time he stole a dvd player or a laptop. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it sooner.

“Have you eaten?” Erwin didn’t notice, or wasn’t bothered by, his sudden sour mood.

“No.” And Levi realized that he was kind of hungry. When he was high he usually forgot to eat, and when he was dopesick he couldn't keep anything down, so he just ended up not eating most of the time.

“Do you want to eat something?” Erwin prodded further.

Levi thought for a moment. It was rare for him to be able to eat something that wasn’t of absolutely necessity (meaning, when he was about to keel over from not eating in days and had to force something down his throat.) He raked his mind for something good, something he never got to eat any more, a true luxury.

“Ice cream.”

Erwin stared at him with raised eyebrows. “You want...ice cream?”

Levi swiveled back towards him with a gaze that said he was just challenging him to deny him this. “Yeah, why not?”

Shrugging, Erwin let out a light laugh. “I could go for some ice cream.”

 

So, they went for ice cream. When they left the apartment it was still light out, but just barely, as the sun was beginning to set. Even as the sky turned to a cool grey the weather was still warm, and Levi pushed the sleeves of his hoodie up as far as they could go without showing any of his scars. The two on his hand looked like small bee stings, tiny enough not to cause suspicion. 

In the city, there were plenty of places within walking distance, and they ended up stopping at one of the many frozen yogurt places near Erwin’s apartment (popularized by the new healthy lifestyle fad due to so many hipster college kids in the area ). Levi had complained, because it wasn’t real ice cream, but Erwin insisted (because apparently he had also been bitten by the healthy lifestyle bug.)  
The store was bright, painstakingly bright, with glossy white walls and floors, and shiny hot pink counters with neon green stools. It was terrible, even worse as Levi stood holding his small clear cup with pink frozen yogurt inside (pomegranate flavor, because even though he felt pretentious as fuck picking it, he still couldn’t pass up the rarity of it,) while wearing his all black ensemble, and waiting as Erwin piled on dried fruits to his plain vanilla.

The reality of how out of place he felt reminded him of something, a young Erwin in his yearbook, wearing all black with a cheesy cross necklace. 

With a sly smirk he cocked his head in Erwin’s direction. “You know, you look good with long hair.”

Erwin turned away from his dried bananas. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah.” Levi continued, eying him like he was visualizing it now. “You should grow it out again.”

Erwin said nothing, and instead turned to head to the register to pay for their things. Once everything was paid for, they headed back to Erwin’s, walking while licking their spoons in silent appreciation.  
After a while, Erwin broke the silence. “So, you did some reading while I was gone?”

Levi hummed around his spoon as he was in mid bite, sucking it clean and pulling it from his mouth with a dramatic ‘pop.’ “Yup. Real interesting stuff, if I do say so myself.”

“Is that so?” Erwin asked in good humor, pausing a moment before sighing and adding nostalgically. “It definitely was an interesting time in my life.”

“Oh yeah, I gathered that based on your taste in jewelry.” Levi snorted. “Were you actually in a band, or were you just looking the part?”

Erwin laughed. “Yes, I was actually in a band.”

“What did you play?” Levi asked, still getting a kick out of it. “Wait - don’t tell me. Bass? No, your rhythm can’t be that good. You weren’t the singer were you?”

“My rhythm is fine.” Erwin mumbled. “But, no. I played keyboard.”

“What?” Levi barked out a laugh, falling a step behind Erwin as they reached his apartment building. “Oh god, it’s worse than I thought.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with keyboard?” Erwin asked, seeming genuinely offended.

“Dude, keyboard? So lame.” Levi followed him inside as Erwin tried to defend himself.

“There’s nothing lame about the keyboard. It’s underrated if anything. People don’t realize how much a keyboard is involved behind the scenes.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Levi let Erwin take his empty cup as they entered the apartment, and he went into the kitchen to throw them out. Levi went right for the window, sitting on the edge and pulling out his cigs to light one up, not caring that they were just outside. “Was that other kid in your band? What was his name?”

“Mike.” Erwin answered, suddenly getting serious and walking up to Levi to lean on the windowsill next to him. He eyed the cig between his fingers, and Levi thought he was about to tell him to put it out, but he didn’t.

Since he got no complaint, he took a long drag, speaking as he exhaled. “So, what happened?”

Erwin just shrugged. “The world had other things in store for us, I suppose.”

Levi scoffed. “What, you guys get into a fight?”

“Hardly.”

“You guys were fucking, right?” Levi smirked, purposely blowing some smoke in Erwin’s direction. “Bad idea. You never fuck your own bandmates, even I know that.”

“Mike was just a friend.” Erwin said simply.

“With that hairstyle you were pulling? Please.” They both laughed. “But seriously, if no fight, then what happened? How come you’re Dr. Boring now?”

Erwin gave him a sideways glance, before clearing his throat. “He passed away.”

“Oh.” Levi’s mouth hung open around the cigarette between his fingers. “Uh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Erwin offered him a small smile. “He was in a car accident, about a month before we graduated.”

“That’s shitty.” Levi mumbled lamely, unable to find anything else to say.

“After seeing the work of the paramedics I became inspired. I think Mike would be happy with my decision.” Erwin took a moment to continue. “The other driver was under the influence. High on drugs, some kind of benzo.”

“Oh.” Levi said again, keeping his eyes down on his hands, which rested in his lap. The cigarette was burning close to his fingers, but he didn’t move to ash it. After a minute of silence passed, he spoke again, his voice quiet and laden with guilt. “I lied about my car.”

“I know.”

“You knew all along, about everything, didn’t you?” Levi finally looked up to see his face, but Erwin continued to look forward.

Erwin hummed. “Yes.”

“Then why?”

Erwin turned then, pulling away from the windowsill and looming over Levi as he faced him. He plucked the burning cigarette from his fingers, snuffed it out on the edge of the window, and tossed it out. “I wanted to help you.”

Levi glared up at him at that, mood suddenly shifting. “Really? You wanted to help?” His voice stung. “Sure it had nothing to do with me sucking your cock?”

Erwin offered no sign of amusement. “Your personality had something to do with it, yes.”

Levi huffed, laughing in exasperation, his confusion over Erwin finally making him snap. “I don’t get what you’re doing here.” He leaned back into the window, subconsciously distancing himself from Erwin, as he felt anger well up in his stomach. “I don’t know why you’re helping me, or what you’re trying to accomplish. What do you think this is? You think you can deal with your mid-life crisis by saving me? You think it will help you live the life you lost? Reclaim your rock star lifestyle? Saving me won't bring your friend back.”

Erwin stared at him for a moment, silently considering his words. Levi met his gaze, eyes piercing with scorn. Finally, Erwin sighed, leaning back against the window next to him like before, giving them both the relief of not having to look at each other. 

“You know, I see a lot of addicts at the hospital. A lot of people trying to con me over for drugs, like you. I recognize when I see them now. Every time, I know to give them nothing, to turn them away and send them packing, but every time I wonder, what good does it do? Truly?” He paused, and Levi waited in silent thought for him to continue. “I send them away, but will that stop them from being drug addicts? No. They will just go find drugs from somewhere or someone else. They don’t need me. What was the point of telling them ‘no’ if it wasn’t really helping them? All it did was point them in another direction, and then they would just be out there, and capable of hurting someone the same way Mike was.”

Levi slouched from his seated position, hunched over his own body as he listened and found it difficult to respond. 

“I just thought...if I kept you close, I could actually do something for once.”

Levi decided to speak at that, although his voice lacked its usual punch. “You’re being selfish.”

Erwin’s reply came without hesitation. “Aren’t you, as well?”

It was true. Levi was selfish. The drugs made him selfish. Because he knew. He knew he was letting people down, and leaving them behind, but he didn’t care. He knew he was killing himself, but honestly that seemed so much easier than actually getting help.

“I don’t need your help.” He broke the thick silence in the air.

“I know.” Erwin repeated for what felt like the millionth time. “I won’t stop you if you decide to leave.”

Levi stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Yeah I'm a jerk and had to mention Mike because he's my favorite. Sorry guys...  
> Anyway, you may or may not have noticed I changed the chapter count to 5 chapters, so the next chapter should be the last one. It may possibly stretch to 6 chapters if the next one ends up being too long. I only have it outlined so far so I'm not sure exactly. Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment if you would like!
> 
> Also, extra notes, in case any of you care:  
> \- Assuming Erwin was 18 when he graduated high school in 1994 that would make him 38 now. In the last chapter Levi said he worked for his aunt 7 years ago when he was 23, making him 30 now. So they are 8 years apart.  
> \- Mike is wearing an early black metal tshirt, something like Darkthrone: http://www.blackmetal.com/scans1208/darktrone-true.jpg  
> \- Their band would sound something like this (over the top dramatic old school gothic doom):   
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woe_4gkS4XU

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please give feedback if you would like!
> 
> Special thanks to monsieurerwin at tumblr for beta reading!  
> You can find me on tumblr at bloodandfluff.tumblr.com


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